


Hiraeth

by tenecty



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, also im sorry johnny, and dojae are their respective managers, and whipped, because wow an intellectual couple??? yes pls, but they kind of appear alot later, i love dojae too btw, jdhlajshjahd, jisung is taeyong's adopted kid, lol what's new, really just an excuse for me to indulge, taeyong is a music producer, ten is a dancer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2019-01-27
Packaged: 2019-07-26 00:03:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 36,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16208459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tenecty/pseuds/tenecty
Summary: Lee Taeyong is the rising music producer in Seoul, and his closely associated star, his college friend, Ten, shares his apartment with him. In the whirlwind of life, Taeyong adopts Jisung, and Ten's past continues to plague him, dragging everyone in it.From sleepless nights with alcohol and anger reeking off them, to winter mornings in the warmth of their bed, and an overly-excited Jisung tossed into the mix, love seeps into their hearts in the most odd ways.Or in otherwise; a collection of words the English language cannot comprehend, but have the full capability to encapsulate the feelings of Taeyong and Ten, and everything that lies in between the two of them.





	1. Mamihlapinatapai

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AgentExile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentExile/gifts), [criesmom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/criesmom/gifts).



> Hiraeth  
> [hiraɪ̯θ]  
> —noun  
> A homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was. 
> 
> Alternatively, another excuse for me to explore languages and learn about them. Because languages are beautiful; they shape emotions, feelings and thoughts, into succinct, few, letters and sounds.
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Gifting this work to 2 big inspirations for this fic: [criesmom](https://archiveofourown.org/users/criesmom/pseuds/criesmom) for their beautiful fic called "baby steps" that gave me the idea for this fic and [AgentExile](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AgentExile/pseuds/AgentExile) for her fic "Living Costs" that got me hooked on to Taeten, and also helped me learn more on how to improve my writing. Both their writings styles are so mature, and they are definitely huge role models and inspirations to me :) I hope y'all will enjoy this fic!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> mamihlapinatapai  
> (n.) a look shared by two people, each wishing that the other would initiate something they both desire, but which neither wants to begin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mamihlapinatapai, is one of the most beautiful words i've ever seen.  
> From the Yaghan people, indigenous people from Tierra del Fuego, Chile (? I believe? Google doesn't help much. if you know anything, comment below!).  
> The Yaghan language is pretty much a lost language. Cristina Calderón, is the last, full blooded Yaghan, who speaks the Yaghan language. Definitely a heroine to me, it's not easy to keep a language alive, as weird as that sounds. She is, and I quote, "a living human treasure".

**PART I**

 

 

**Hiraeth**

[hiraɪ̯θ]

—noun

  1. A homesickness for a home you can't return to, or that never was.



_As soon as I step into your arms, my hiraeth evaporate. I am home._

  1. Obviously domestic, and yet finding a home, even when he’s right in the centre of it.



_I’ll be your home._

 

“Dad. Dad!”

Taeyong rubs his eyes blearily, and is about to snap, when his eyes land on Jisung. He gives the child a soft smile, before reaching out to pull him closer. “What’s wrong?”

Jisung only frowns, pointing to the hallway. “Ten hyung’s sick. There’s these gross sounds coming from the bathroom.” He wrinkles his nose and pouts at this, brows furrowing even harder, worried to say the least.

Taeyong only raises his eyebrows, before throwing his legs to the side of the bed, briskly walking to the bathroom.

He is met with a grand sight; Ten kneeling over the toilet bowl, vomit coming out of his pale lips, his chest heaving, his frail body slackened against the seat.

Taeyong rushes to kneel beside his roommate, soothing hands on Ten’s back as he whispers assuring words to him, his eyes wide with alarm. He calls to Jisung to go and get a glass of warm water, and hands it over to Ten in no time.

The other’s eyes are bloodshot, hands trembling a little as he takes over the glass of water, voice hoarse as he mutters a “thank you”, a sheepish look on his face as he sees a concerned Jisung looming over the two of them. He gently tells the kid to go back to sleep, and to not worry about him, his face breaking into a weak smile, sitting up straight.

It is only when Jisung grudgingly heads to the bedroom, does he slump to the floor, and his head drops, hanging low, as his arms hang limplessly on his knees.

“You should really stop going to all these bars and getting so _wasted_ , and then have to go through all this. Tomorrow you’re going to get a huge headache again and you can’t exactly dance with a pounding headache, you know.” Taeyong chides after a while, intense eyes burning through Ten’s scalp.

Ten sighs, and attempts to stand up, gripping the basin top for support. “I’m not a kid anymore, hyung. I’m 26. I can do whatever the hell I want.”

“Ten, you can do whatever you want to do, but as a friend and a concerned roommate, I am telling you this; this drinking slash partying slash god knows what _else_ you do, habit of yours needs to stop. It’s not good for you.” Taeyong says as he walks behind Ten, hands in his pockets as he sees the other stagger into his room on the other end of the hallway, frowning a little.

Ten waves his hand as he stumbles into the room. “Nagging isn’t good for you too, hyung.”

Taeyong slams his hand against the door as Ten attempts to shut it. “Ten, stop it. I have no idea why the hell you are like this, and look, you’re right, you’re 26 and have every right to have the freedom to choose how you want to live, but look here, I’ve known you since we were teenagers, Ten. We trained together. We went through hardships together. And I care, and I _hate_ to say you wasting your life like this.”

Ten sends Taeyong a glare before flopping on to the bed, closing his eyes. “Who are you to judge whether or not I’m wasting my life? I’m here for a good time, Lee Taeyong. Not a long time.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes and fold his arms, absolutely fuming right now. “Stop acting like a childish teenager and grow the hell up. You’re not some miserable 21 year old who needs alcohol to solve their problems. Could you please act like a mature adult like you are supposed to, and actually solve them, instead of drowning them with cheap beer and one night stands.”

Ten opens an eye, a cheeky smile on his face. “I thought the walls are soundproof.”

Taeyong rolls his eyes again, swallowing a lump in his throat. “Well they are not, and may I remind you, we have a 5 year old in this house, so you better be careful.”

Ten huffs, closing his eyes again as the glaring bulb starts the pounding in his head. “Well, we _share_ this house. So like how I tolerate Jisung’s messiness and toys and shit like that, you should at the very _least_ , tolerate my sex life and alcoholic habits.”

Taeyong grits his teeth at Ten’s nonchalant attitude, and the way he talks about Jisung. His voice raises by the decibels, as he starts shouting at the other. “What? How can you say that? Look here, alright, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, I don’t know who the hell you think you are, but keep your unhappiness to yourself, and don’t lash it out on my kid.”

“He’s not even your kid, hyung. He’s _adopted_.” Ten points out cruelly.

“But he is still _mine_ , blood related or not. I can’t believe you said that; are you even hearing yourself now? You don’t sound like Ten. You sound like someone else completely. Someone who’s cruel and cold and can’t even _tolerate_ a kid for being a kid. If you don’t like Jisung, or the fact that he was _adopted_ , I suggest you get the hell out of _my_ house.”

Taeyong storms out of the room, slamming the door shut, huffing as he drops himself on to the bed, heat rising from his body, anger simmering off him in waves.

He can’t believe Ten said he was just _tolerating_ Jisung. As if it was something he had no choice but to put up with.

Then what of those happy times the three of them watched Disney together? Or the beam on Ten’s face when Jisung said his name for the first time? Or during dinner when the two of the them would gang up against him and make a mess in the kitchen? When did all this change?

Ever since two weeks or so ago, Ten just became a completely different person. Well, maybe breaking up with one of those partners must have something to do with it, but Ten never dwells on his break ups. Taeyong knows the drill. Ten would come home, looking lost (as he did), and then would mindlessly eat a whole tub of ice cream (which he did, strawberry flavoured, as always), and would ask for a cuddle with Taeyong while they meaningless watch some random movie (Moana was pretty good, actually). Then, Ten would just cry for a few days and move on.

But he never went to this extreme. Hard drinking every night, coming home late every night, red stains on his pale milky neck. Pounding headaches, snappy tones, seething glares; Ten just turned into a completely different person altogether.

Taeyong closes his eyes, his head starting to ache, his heart giving a little bitter twist.

  
  
  


Ten sighs as the door shuts close. That was what he expected. Honestly, this is taking a toll on him, but he needs to keep it up. He needs to somehow or another, have Taeyong kick him out of the house. And having Taeyong start to despise him looks like the only way, because evidently, asking him nicely over dinner only riled him up and made him even more stubborn, completely obstinate on the idea of Ten leaving.

But he needs to. As far as possible away from the very two people he love. Before he destroys the both of them.

  
  
  
  


Ten has a track record of breaking hearts. Nothing seems to mean anything to him. Yes, there was always that initial heart lurch of infatuation, but good sex and chop chop, it was over, and then you move on to the next and next. No one could fill the gap, no one could give him the satisfaction of craving for more.

What he _was_ craving for, was to feel that tiny heartbreak, those few tears slipping down his cheeks, to give him some emotion, to pull him out of his perpetual emotional numbness.

And he made himself like this, all because of one, little heart break. A breakup that happened eons ago, but the stitches still not fully made. And it is worse now, because they are untied and the wound underneath ripped open again.

He thought meeting up would be a good idea; to give himself some kind of closure.

But he was wrong.

He let himself be trapped, be indulged in and to indulge, only to be left heartbroken once again.

  
  


Ever since that break up, no one has ever made him feel safe, safe enough for him to completely throw his whole heart and soul at them, and trust they would never, ever break it.

But then, of course, Taeyong just _had_ to ask him to move in with him, and just _had_ to adopt an adorably savage child that perfectly matched Ten, and unconsciously made a home for the three of them.

And Ten felt safe, when Jisung sits on his lap and scrunches his face up when he doesn’t know how to solve a math equation; or when Taeyong shoots his a small smile that grows warmth in Ten’s being; or when Ten comes home, emotionally and physically drained, and Taeyong is there, arms opened wide, and he crashes in without a thought, because it is _safe_. One hundred, ten out of ten, completely safe.

And he should have seen it, these signs, that the two of them were becoming constants in his life. He didn’t want that. Constants were dangerous. They crash and come and stay in your life, and when they leave, they shatter you like comets rocketing back down to earth, dragging you back to reality, that you are after all, a lone island.

Don’t be fooled by the popularity of TEN, his label so successful, his name riding on the waves of the Hallyu. He is always surrounded with people, and yet he always feels alone. Because that is what he is, in his essence, a lone island. Because he hates dependency, he hates the idea of relying on someone else. Independence sounds a hundred times better.

So he never collaborates, he never works with others. It’s always solo, solo, solo, which is why when he collaborated with his roommate, the one and only rising music producer, Lee Taeyong, it hit the headlines in no time, fans completely _wild_ with disbelief. They couldn’t believe TEN was finally stepping out of his comfort zone and partnering with someone. They thought this was a new era for TEN.

They thought wrong.

Because only one person can make Ten feel safe enough to collaborate, to share a house, to share a private life. And that was Lee Taeyong. Only him. No one else.

And when Ten realised this, he honestly got scared for his life. He promised himself he wouldn’t make someone so important to him anymore. But as it is with Lee Taeyong, he always gets his way, and he somehow weeded his way and crawled into Ten’s heart, taking root.

Ten just wants to hide and cry. Because he is afraid the other will break him, or _worse_ , that he will break the other, with his track record of hopping from person to person, his short attention span, his intolerance for long term things.

  
  


The door opens softly, snapping him out of his thoughts. He pretends to be asleep, holding back his tears, evening his breathing.

A ghost of the lips, a soft shut of the door, a car pulling out of the driveway in the silent morning. Soft morning lights filter in, the floodgates open, and the salty tears soak his sheets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty) about how good Taeyong looks in Naver/Dispatch (i can't remember which one, I just know he looks like a greek god and I SWEAR, I didn't want to betray Ten like this but hE IS TOO BEAUTIFUL TO IGNORE)


	2. Cafuné

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cafuné  
> (n.) running your fingers through your lover's hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cafuné, another word that brings warmth to my heart. Described as a Portuguese word that holds the Brazilian element of romance.  
> Interestingly, in English, cafuné is used as a verb, as in "to cafuné someone", but in Portuguese, it is used as a noun. (I hope I got this right)  
> Truly, a word lost in translation.

“Dad?”

 

“Hmm?” Taeyong snaps out of his daze and hums in reply, making a right turn as they head to JIsung’s school. 

 

“I heard you shouting at Ten hyung yesterday.” Jisung mumbles, playing with a loose strand of his shirt. 

  
“I thought we agreed that you won’t fight with Ten anymore,  _ especially _ when he comes home like that.” Jisung stresses the ‘especially’, giving his father a pointed look. “You  _ promised _ .” Jisung huffs, crossing his arms. 

 

“Well,” Taeyong swallows hard, searching for words beyond his grasp, “Well, yesterday was different, okay?” 

 

“Still. Dad,” Jisung whines out, dragging the last syllable. “Can you please not fight with Ten hyung? I hate it when the two of you fight.” Taeyong sighs as he side eyes the 7 year old, who stares forlornly out of the window, voice getting smaller. 

 

“Ten hyung looks so sad.” Jisung says without much thought, fingers tracing the condensation on the freezing cold windows. 

 

Taeyong doesn’t reply, simply blinking hard, as the red lights start blurring. 

  
  


“I’ll pick you up after school?” Taeyong says, ruffling Jisung’s soft hair, before shoving his hands into his pocket. 

 

“Today’s Friday.” Seeing his dad raise an eyebrow in confusion, Jisung mock exasperatingly blows out a breath. “It’s Ten-hyung-and-Jisung’s day.”

 

“I don’t think so. Or at least, not today, okay? Ten hyung’s not feeling too good, hmm?” Taeyong replies carefully, watching his son’s reaction. 

 

Jisung pouts and frowns. Mumbling something along the lines of "it's not fair", "don't drag me into this", he walks away slowly, snow crunching under his feet in sad rhythm. 

 

Taeyong sighs, taking a deep breath, the cold, crisp air hitting his lungs with a pang. 

  
  
  


“Ten?” Taeyong calls as he steps into the apartment, eyeing the living room. It’s silent everywhere, and his footsteps echo as he walks down the hallway. 

 

“Ten?” The door creaks open as he carefully opens it. He lets go of a breath he doesn’t realise he was holding when he sees the younger curled up under his blanket, back facing him, sniffles sounding. 

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

No answer. 

 

Taeyong gives a low sigh as he takes off his scarf and folds it neatly aside, crawling under the sheets as his back hits the headboard, his warm hands soothing Ten’s back as the other cries even harder. 

  
  


“Do you...do you want to talk about it?” The black locks sway in reluctance. 

 

“Okay. Do you...want me to stay here with you?” The other stills, as if contemplating. But Taeyong doesn’t give him much of a choice, heaving the other up as soon as the question leaves his lips. His intense eyes soften at the red rimmed eyes and quivering lips. 

 

Wordlessly, Ten automatically closes his eyes and rests his forehead on the crook of Taeyong’s neck, legs tangling, fitting perfectly between Taeyong’s arms, wet cheeks pressed against warm skin. 

 

Taeyong carefully reaches for Ten’s phone, the phone reading his thumbprint in a second, and he plays some soft, classical music. Seems odd, but slow, country music, the gentle hum of romantic songs, or simple traditional instruments like the melodious notes of a grand piano, are the favourite of the two. 

 

They fall into silence as the music fills the gaps, the snow crystals landing on the window pane, forming pretty traces. Filtered morning glow, from the peek of the sun off the top of high buildings, bounce off the snow covered pavement in the streets, people bustling with hot chocolates in their hands, and scarfs wound around their necks, faces full of warm smiles despite quivering, pale lips. 

 

Taeyong watches the world outside pass, his hand rubbing circles on Ten’s back, the other breathing in his sharp scent. And it is peaceful, it is quiet; an unusual, yet familiar happiness settling around them. 

  
  


And pearls of tears slide down Ten’s porcelain cheeks again, as he feels an aching warmth soothing in his chest. A warmth he longed to feel, and he could allow himself to indulge into, but didn’t want to. Because then, he would get addicted, and everything would just become harder than it already is. 

  
  
  
  


Taeyong tries to stay home and accompany Ten, laptop atop a fluffy pillow, situated on his lap, Ten leaning against his side, mindlessly watching some dance videos. 

 

Taeyong can almost literally see the wheels in Ten’s head spinning as he absorbs the content, his eyes darting, following each move, deft fingers tapping to the beat as he rewinds and recatches the smallest of details. 

 

Ten is intelligent, that goes without saying. His photographic memory is a die for. Taeyong smiles, wondering when the shy Thai boy he met in college grew up to someone so successful, talented, all rounded,  _ perfect.  _

  
  


As much as Taeyong would love to spend a lazy afternoon with Ten, duty calls, and he has to head back to the studio for a meeting. He says a quick goodbye to Ten as soon as he receives the call, haphazardly grabbing his jacket and flying out of the house. 

 

Ten side eyes the window. A familiar sigh leaves a bitter taste on his lips and a sharp twist of his heartstrings. How did he fall for this trap again, just when he fell for one and told himself never again? No, this cannot happen again, never, he promises himself. Never again. 

  
  
  
  


Taeyong slams the door shut and rushes to the gates of the school, only to see Ten and Jisung, almost as if patiently waiting for him, standing at the corner of the sidewalk, laughing at something. Ten’s eyes form pretty crescents as Jisung throws his head back in laughter. Watching the scene unfold with the two of them in their happy bubble, somehow so clear and sharp amidst the bustling, blurring crowd, Taeyong almost forgets what Ten had to say last night. 

 

“Hey.” He says, a little uncomfortably as he recalls the harsh words of Ten last night. 

 

Ten’s smile just drops a little, but he regains it back. For the sake of Jisung, for the most part, Taeyong knows. Ten knows the kid hates it when him and Taeyong show  _ any  _ kind of anger at each other. 

 

“Hey.” 

 

“I thought I told you to stay home.” 

 

“You didn’t.” Ten replies back without missing a beat, a cool nonchalance. 

 

“I-” 

 

“Dad!” Jisung interrupts quickly. “Ten hyung is here anyways, so whatever, and let’s  _ go. _ We’ve been waiting for you for  _ hours  _ now. The pizza place would be too crowded if we go late.” 

 

“O-Okay.” Taeyong mutters as he lets himself be dragged by an overly-excited Jisung, occasionally turning back to make sure Ten is trailing after them. 

 

 

The three of them squish together in the bustling restaurant, Jisung and Ten in a heated argument of the questionable existence of pineapple on Hawaiian pizzas. A faint smile spreads across Taeyong’s face as he watches the two, and it almost feels like everything is...back to normal. Like last night didn’t happen. 

 

Ten catches his eye, and unconsciously sends a small smile back, before turning back to Jisung, rolling his eyes as he exasperatingly explains that pineapple is a  _ fruit,  _ it can’t  _ possibly _ be on a pizza, and no, what creativity? It’s  _ just _ a pizza. 

 

Taeyong ducks his head to hide a growing grin. 

 

And it is at times like this, amidst the crowd, hurrying waiters, overwhelming smells of cheddar cheese; and his two favourite people in front of him, arguing about trivial, daily things; does he truly, truly, feel at home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> once again, hmu on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty)


	3. Saudade

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Saudade   
> (n.) (especially with reference to songs or poetry) a feeling of longing, melancholy, or nostalgia that is supposedly characteristic of the Portuguese or Brazilian temperament.  
> It is the bittersweetness of something or someone that is missing.   
> “I feel like I’ve lost you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am back yessss. Y'all this week has been one hell of ride in the nctzen fandom. First, NCT 127 got their first win + the album sales hit an all time high record so !!!!!! Our hardwork paid off :)) And then the whole saga about the fan to represent nctzens to talk to nct, and everyone was sending hate to this one kid called neoboss??? The tea this week is piping hot.
> 
> Follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty) to chat or just generally scream about everything :)

Taeyong shuts the door softly, and treads down the hallway to the sofa, where Ten is mindlessly scrolling through his phone. A white cotton shirt drapes over his small frame, complementing his milky, flawless skin; a pair of grey cotton track pants to match, glasses hanging on the bridge of his nose. No creases on the forehead, no constant smell of alcohol lingering on his clothes, no red bruises littering his neck. Taeyong can already catch a slice of his smooth lavender shampoo scent. He wishes he could indulge in it. 

 

“Hey.” Taeyong swallows hard and wishes his voice doesn’t sound so tight. 

 

Ten hums in reply, eyes not moving off the screen, attempting to avoid. 

 

“Ten.” 

 

A pause, before the other sighs and puts down his phone, grabbing one of the beige coloured cushions and huffs as he hugs it tight against his chest. 

  
  


“What happened last night? Or actually, what’s  _ been _ happening these few weeks? You’re so….off. I don’t know if that makes sense, I just...It doesn’t feel like you’re the Ten I know.” Taeyong confesses, going to straight to the point as per usual. 

 

He pauses as he takes in a deep breath. “I know….you mightn’t want to talk about it. But I think it’s best for us, for  _ you _ , that we talk about it.” 

 

Ten runs his hand through his loose strands and shakes his head as the bangs fall back over his eyes. Taeyong suppresses the urge to reach out and brush them, and instead focuses on what Ten has to say. 

 

“Yea, I….well, I….” Ten has no idea where to start, and stumbles over his words. But Taeyong waits patiently and quietly, as he always does, letting Ten do things at his own pace. 

 

“I...I don’t know either. I just….I’m sorry?” He whispers, looking cautiously at Taeyong, who is frowning, intense eyes burning through him, forcing him to turn away.

 

“It’s not about saying ‘sorry’, Ten. It’s about what’s _wrong_ , and how we’re going to fix it, okay?” 

 

“No, I’m...I’m sorry I said I had to tolerate Jisung and...stuff like that. I know it hurts you, and I said it on purpose, you know, to rile you up. I shouldn’t have. And you’re right, I should get it together and stop this whole,” Ten waves his hands about, “Whole...flings and one night stand thing. I mean, I _should_ , but whether or not I actually do it….is a whole other thing, but anyway.” 

 

Ten dismissively says this, and it’s hard not for Taeyong to feel like he just got stabbed in the gut. He just puts on the most unreadable facade he has, and nods, not trusting his voice to agree. 

 

“You know, I really do love Jisung, right? Though he’s not mine, but he’s a nice kid. And I guess, we’re kind of attached to each other? I don’t know, it’s hard to cut- I mean it’s hard to ignore him, you know, with him and his pestering ways.” Ten almost slaps himself for the near slip, praying hard it would go unnoticed by Taeyong. 

 

But as it is, it doesn’t. 

 

“Cut what? Cut….ties? Relationships?”  _ Bingo, _ the red flag is waved and there is no way back now. 

 

“Are you serious right now Ten? Oh come on, I mean, why would you? Is t _ his  _ why you’re doing all this? To what, make me angry or something so I would cut you off?”  _ Bingo _ , he is right, and there is really no turning back now. 

 

“Well, asking you politely over dinner clearly didn’t work well.” Ten mumbles. 

 

“Yea, and you thought this whole, I don’t know,  _ act _ of yours, would work? You’re ridiculously dumb, Ten.” Taeyong grits his teeth as he glares at the shrinking other. 

 

“Hyung, we’re both celebrities, number one, and people are already making conspiracies about the two of us-” 

 

“Oh, so _now_ your bloody reputation and career is more important than your friends and family, okay,  _ got _ it.” Taeyong cuts him off, sarcasm dripping off the menacing words. 

 

“You’re lying to yourself if you say they don’t matter.” 

 

The anger explodes, and Taeyong rushes his words out in a stream. 

 

“I didn’t say they don’t matter, what  _ I’m  _ saying is that they shouldn’t be  _ more  _ important than the people who bloody love you, Ten! 

 

Why are you  _ always _ like this? Even back in college, do you have any idea how damn hard it was, and still is, to be your friend? To be constantly pushed away? To have to constantly put in the effort to hold on to our friendship? 

 

It’s getting damn tiring, Ten. It’s exhausting, okay? It’s been _ 5 years _ since college, and you’re still the same, and I’m telling you, I’ve had enough of this-” 

 

“Exactly, so let me move the hell out, and let’s never talk again! Damn, Taeyong, if it was so hard, you could have just told me, and I would walk right out that door in a heartbeat.” Ten shouts back in exasperation, rolling his eyes as he throws down the pillow, abruptly standing up to walk away. 

 

Taeyong grabs his hand and yanks him down, causing the other to lose balance and fall flat on to the sofa. Taeyong fiercely squeezes his wrist, red marks appearing on the them, as he traps Ten’s body between his legs; Ten’s wrist held down in adamant refusal of him to just walk away, like how he does when he meets every single problem. 

 

“I am not done.” Taeyong says, gritting through his teeth, his words fanning over the cheeks of the other. 

 

“It’s exhausting and I have had enough, but you know what? I’m still going to  _ try _ , because I know damn well, Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, that if  _ I _ let you go, you don’t have  _ anyone else, _ and you would go on a full self-destruction mode, and I’m  _ not  _ having it.” He says it so determinedly, that Ten almost falls, but catches himself just in time. 

 

He breaks the burning eye contact and scoffs, head tilted to the side. “Don’t put yourself on the pedestal, Lee Taeyong. I have other people I can count on.” 

 

“Oh yea? Like who, those one night stands that can’t even take care of you properly? Who barely know you?” Taeyong leans in dangerously close, anger and danger dripping over his words, and Ten keeps his eyes somewhere else, way too intimidated to stare back confidently. 

 

“Shut up. I have connections.” 

 

“Don’t lie to yourself, Ten. I know, okay? I mean, it’s kind of weird to say this, but I know y _ ou need me _ . Those connections or  _ whatever _ , yea sure, they know who you are, but they know you as TEN, in caps. Not Ten, not Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul, not the authentic, shy Thai boy who I knew in first year college. They don’t know you. I know  _ you _ . 

 

And I always prided myself in it, but now I’m not too sure. Are you the same Ten I knew 5, 6 years ago, or have you changed? Because I feel like I’ve lost you. You’re not the same person anymore.” 

 

Taeyong tilts his head in confusion, his fuming demeanor suddenly dissolving. 

 

“I-” Ten opens and closes his mouth, not knowing what to say, because every single thing Taeyong had said, was right. 

 

And he hates it. 

 

He hates how Taeyong is right, that he is the only one who actually knows Ten. He hates how Taeyong is right, that the outside world doesn’t know shit about him. And the worst part, is that he hates how Taeyong is right, that he has changed, and he is acutely aware of how scared he is, of himself, of how much of a monster he has become. 

 

“I...I don’t know.” Ten stumbles over his words, tears choking him and they fall down his cheeks once again. He angrily brushes them away. He hates how weak he is, _forever_ crying. 

  
  
  


Taeyong’s a little lost. He has no idea why the happy, cheerful boy he knew just a few weeks ago, had now turned into this; an emotional wreck, with no sense or direction, just lost with those glistening puppy eyes of his, his pretty upturned nose and high cheekbones. He's like a wounded animal, lost and wild, fighting back any sort of help, because he didn’t feel safe, and the self defense mechanism kicked in. 

 

Taeyong doesn’t say anything, simply staring as tears slid down the other’s face, fierce hands furiously brushing away the never ending stream. 

 

“Dad?” Taeyong’s head sharply turns at the raspy voice and softens at the child blearily rubbing his eyes. “Is...Is everything okay?” 

 

Taeyong quickly climbs off Ten, ruffling the kid’s hair, plastering a smile on his face. “Everything’s fine. Just a little...we had a little emotional talk.” 

 

“I heard shouting.” Jisung eyes his father accusingly. “You said no shouting anymore.”

 

“Well, er, yea.” Taeyong says awkwardly, forgetting how thin the walls are. 

 

“Ten hyung, are you okay?” Jisung walks over to the sniffling elder, who sat bolt right up as soon as he heard Jisung’s voice, trying hard to not look like he just had a mental breakdown. 

 

“I’m...fine.” 

 

Jisung pouts. He hates it when Ten lies. “Do you want me to sleep with you tonight?” He asks earnestly, looking concerned as he tugs onto Ten’s sleeves. 

  
  


“Sure, why not.” Ten says after a pause, getting up and trails after Jisung, who is completely oblivious to the heart brokenness in it. Taeyong could hear it, loud and clear, like ringing, chiming bells. Clear and obvious, and he knows Ten still feels guilty for what he said the other night. 

 

He walks after the two, entering his bedroom, the only room with a master bed. Jisung had already slipped under the covers, snuggling in the warmth of the duvet. Ten follows right after, his fingers absentmindedly running through Jisung’s hair, humming a soft tune as his red and puffy eyes close with exhaustion, a frown running deep in his forehead. 

 

Taeyong shuts the lights off, and closes the door softly, turning the heater to a comfortable temperature. The lamp light is on, spreading a warm orange glow on the room, accentuating the features on the other two’s faces. The two are already snoring lightly, dead tired; because it is way past midnight, past Jisung’s bedtime; and because Ten is too drained to have any resistance to the overcoming slumber. 

 

Taeyong joins them, pulling his socks over his cold feet, slipping under the duvet. He presses a light kiss on Jisung’s forehead, a small smile on his face as he watches the peaceful look on him. Sometimes he wonders how the boy could hook his heart up just like that, allowing love to flow out of Taeyong so easily, even though he wasn't his. 

 

His eyes shift to the person next to him, tear streaks still obvious, a frown on his forehead. Without much thought, Taeyong’s cold fingers smooth the warm creases, his fingers trailing lightly over the skin, down the side of Ten’s face, and his heart stops a beat as he stares. 

 

For the thousandth time since he’s known him, the thought of  _ Ten looks so damn ethereal _ , slips into his head again. Indeed, with a soft glow casting shadows on his face, and a much more relaxed look plastered on him, Ten looked like a Thai prince. 

 

A smile tugs on the corner of his lips as his fingers trace the other’s face softly, not wanting to wake the other up. His thumb brushes over the tear streaks, a light twist of his heart. 

 

Sighing, he can’t help but lean over, and press his soft lips against the warm forehead, his lips just lingering a little. A soft whisper as he presses another kiss on the tip of the other’s nose, warmth spreading through him, and he resists the urge to press another.

 

How he can change, a hundred and eighty degrees; from being mad angry at Ten, to being so soft with him, never fails to amaze him. It's as if Ten is a matchstick, setting him on fire, and yet, he switches something on in his heart, managing to extinguish those very same blazing flames he created. It only entices and amuses Taeyong a little more.

 

He settles back down, eyes focusing on the ceiling as he hears his heart pounding, hope against hope that the others will not hear his heart beating against his ribcage. 

  
  


Ten is torn between wanting to smile, and wanting the floodgates to open again. He is lost, as if in a galaxy of stars, and there was the sun, the centre of the system, warm, bright and loving, accepting. And there was the darkness of the universe, and he could go either way, he realised. There is nothing stopping him. 

 

He could travel as a lost comet into the wilderness of the dark space, or he could head towards the sun and fall into his embrace. 

 

He chooses neither; and he remains stationary, just another floating comet, brushing past, as the universe ticks by. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kind of a hot mess....I don't know what to think of it. 
> 
> Sidenote: not NCT related, but have y'all followed the news about TheEastLight? It's so heartbreaking.....


	4. 恍然大悟

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 恍然大悟: a sudden realisation  
> I like this explanation best: to suddenly see the light.  
> My mother tongue is Chinese, so a simple breakdown (this can get kind of boring, skip to read the fic!).  
> 忄refers to the heart, or emotions; 光 means light; which is why to “suddenly see the light” is the most fitting explanation, to describe the kind of feeling you get, when someone explains the math equation, and all of a sudden a veil is lifted, and you understand everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for the kudos and comments! Leave a comment for feedback or tell me what you think about this :) This chapter is super important because its going to catalyse the entire plot and push it forward. Kind of nervous for this one, I hope it's okay!
> 
> ALSO YALL NCT WON AGAINST IU???? I'm screaming IU is so popular, it amazes me how NCT is doing so well, sweeping the charts like that. 
> 
> But y'all should definitely check out IU's song [bbibbi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nM0xDI5R50E) because its a cute song that is telling haters to shut up and move on so that's adorable :)

Lights filter in and someone is screaming in his ear. Taeyong rubs his eyes blearily and opens an eye tentatively. Jisung sighs and screams a “Finally, dad!”, and then he proceeds to clamber on the person snuggled next to him. 

 

The person’s head is tucked neatly under Taeyong’s jawline, shallow, warm breaths fanning on his cold neck, arms lazily draped over his stomach, pretty lips parted slightly, pale, bare skin glowing under the sun. 

 

Taeyong carefully turns, gently placing Ten’s head onto the pillow, and the other shifts slightly, causing Taeyong to freeze with bated breath. 

 

But Ten simply falls back into comfortable slumber, his arms causing Taeyong’s shirt to skid up a little with the movement, his fingers barely grazing the tense skin underneath. Taeyong lets go of a shaky breath, fingers brushing over Ten’s. 

 

Taeyong shoots Jisung a glare, and motions him to be quiet. He fully extracts himself from Ten, dragging a whiny Jisung out of the room, standing next to the sulky child with crossed arms as he watches him brush his teeth. 

 

Jisung pouts and washes his mouth, water droplets sliding down his cheeks. Taeyong carelessly brushes them off, and instructs him to go pick a book to read, while he cooks something up for all of them. 

 

Jisung unusually agrees, even humming as he climbs up the stairs and trots to his room. Taeyong wonders when the boy hit puberty and started having mood swings so drastic. 

  
  
  


The smell of waffles fill the apartment, and Taeyong cautiously balances them on one plate as he brings it into the room, careful not to spill the maple syrup. 

 

Jisung is still humming some sweet tune, eyes darting as he rapidly absorbs all the information. His fingers are probably hidden under his oversized shirt, the thick blanket pulled all the way to his chest. He nods his head against Ten’s chest, and the elder flips the creamy page for him, eyes moving along with Jisung as they fall into constant rhythm. 

 

His white shirt had ridden up his arms, folded around his shoulders, clean, lean muscle lines accentuated under the morning glow, the pretty high nose even more beautiful against the sunlight. Even barefaced, in complete natural sunlight, with bed hair and uncleaned clothes, Ten still managed to look perfect. 

 

The adam’s apple of Taeyong’s bobs visibly, as he wordlessly places the plate on the bed stand. “Have some breakfast, okay?” He ruffles Jisung’s hair, the owner barely nodding in acknowledgement. A small smile spreads, but soon freezes as Taeyong’s eyes travel up to meet Ten’s ones. They are just a tad bit hollow, intense as always. Silence, apart from the soft humming from Jisung, fills the space between the two of them as last night’s events crashes back down like an unwelcomed meteor. 

 

Ten clears his throat, looking away as Jisung tugs on his sleeve to turn the page. “Are you going to work today?” It’s Saturday, but knowing Taeyong, he would rather hole up in the studio, all day, everyday. On specific days where he feels waves of inspiration just overwhelming him, he would rush out of the house without a glance back, and Ten and Jisung would often spend the lazy afternoons reading, playing music, slow dancing, laughter filling the hollow apartment. 

 

“I...maybe not.” 

 

“Great, because  _ I’m _ going to work. Doyoung is about to kill me, because I skipped like, the entire week and choreo’s all behind.” Ten surprises Taeyong at this as he places a quick kiss on top of Jisung’s head, not the least bit sweet with that frown on his face, rushing out of the room. 

 

“See you.”

 

Taeyong didn’t get a chance to reply.

  
  


“Ten hyung never goes to work on Saturdays.” Jisung comments, tugging on Taeyong’s sleeve. “Can you help me flip the page please?” Taeyong mindlessly does so, still deep in thoughts, the same question repeating in his head.  _ What now? _

 

Because it was confusing. 

 

First, Ten has changed completely. Gone was the chirpiness, and in place of the sun, were dark gloomy clouds and storms. Taeyong wonders what happened that night at the club, what happened with his previous partner, what happened, that made Ten like this. 

 

Taeyong knows, Ten would never lash out on him, much less insult or say intolerable things about Jisung, unless he was forced to, by his emotions, by the situation, by stress. Which was it? Or is it all three? Taeyong hasn’t got a clue. 

 

Next, Ten wants to quite literally, run away from him and Jisung. Which is not strange, honestly, because Taeyong _knows_ Ten is just the kind to run away from his problems, put on facades, and never face the problems head on. So what does he do? Stop him from doing so? Or give Ten the time and space he probably needs? 

 

Sighing, he runs his fingers through his hair and groans. He reaches for his phone as he flips another page for Jisung, messaging the one person he knows, will probably have all the answers.

  
  
  
  
  


“Really, Ten, you have to stop being so irresponsible-” 

 

“God, I  _ get _ it, Doyoung. I  _ know _ . And I’m sorry okay? You can nag about this some other time, I, no,  _ we _ , really need to get this shit together.” Ten says in exasperation, eyes never leaving the screen as he replays the choreography his subordinates, students under him, have created. 

 

His entire crew is gathered in the room, and have been watching their boss and his manager bickering for the last ten minutes. But it is light banter, albeit this time, about a slightly more heavy topic, but they are used to it. They know deep down, those two love each other fiercely, and just want what’s best for each other. 

 

“Okay, but you didn’t even answer my calls, or my texts. Like literally, I thought you dropped off a cliff or something.” Doyoung says a last retort, rolling his eyes at Ten, before turning to look at the video. 

 

“Are you going to change anything?” 

 

Ten hums in reply. “Yea. Just a bit. Other than that, Jooyun, you did quite well.” Ten praises, putting down the phone. “Perhaps you can stay back for a bit, while the rest go to the other room to practice, so that we can swiftly clean up the rough edges.” Ten instructs, rising from his seat. 

 

“Alright, you guys go to Room 2, and practice and reassemble an hour from now. Once again, I sincerely apologise,” he narrows his eyes at a huffing Doyoung, “for my absence this week. It was thoughtless and totally uncalled for. But from now on, let’s work hard okay? You are all doing well already, just a bit more polishing and maybe some adjustments, you would be perfect.” 

 

HIs students nod attentively, and noiselessly exit the room, while Doyoung whirls his chair around and pushes off to the corner of the room, where his computer is at. 

 

Jooyun and Ten walk to the middle of the dance floor, and he begins to teach her patiently, suggesting, hands on his hips, then on his chin, before eyes lighting up as he tries out a new move, music flowing carelessly through his body as he plays along with it. 

 

Doyoung glances up briefly, a small smile finding its way on his face. Something has changed about Ten. The past two weeks were….absolute hell. Ten would scream for no reason, shouting at subordinates or students, skipping lessons, out drinking, coming into class drunk, Doyoung almost had to cancel the classes for fear that one of the students would leak some footage of his slurred talking on social media, and his bad behaviour would definitely cause a ruckus with the media,

 

But now, watching Ten laugh and lighting up when he finds the right steps that fit the choreography like a glove, a natural instinct from a natural dancer, it is almost as if Ten is back.

 

Doyoung wonders just what Taeyong did to rejuvenate the man. 

 

Speaking of the devil, his phone lights up. 

 

**yongie~**

Hey 

 

**young and hot**

Well that’s a first

 

**yongie~**

What? 

 

**young and hot**

You texting me first 

 

**yongie~**

Okay sure 

 

**young and hot**

Alright looks like you ain’t in a good mood, what’s up big boy 

 

**yongie~**

Please don’t call me that ever again 

 

**young and hot**

Answer my question, big boy

 

**yongie~**

Is Ten at the studio? 

 

**young and hot**

Yup. You picking him up today? He’s completely engrossed in dancing. If I interrupt him, it’s like going on a suicide mission 

 

**yongie~**

He’s what? 

 

**young and hot**

Dancing? Engrossly? 

 

**yongie~**

Engrossly is a word? 

 

**young and hot**

Besides the point 

 

**yongie~**

Right. Um no, I’m not picking him up, I er, just wanted to know how he’s doing. 

 

**young and hot**

Why? Did something happen? I mean obviously, he’s been kind of off ever since he met up with Johnny, but he seems fine today, like completely back to normal. 

 

**yongie~**

Johnny? As in...that college friend? 

 

**yongie~**

Wait, it’s not….his ex?

 

**young and hot**

Yea

 

**young and hot**

Wait, you didn’t know? 

 

**young and hot**

Ten hasn’t been dating in ages. 

 

**young and hot**

Also, yea, Johnny came back from the States recently and they met up and

 

**young and hot**

Had some friends with benefits thing. At the start of this week, (maybe?) they called it off, I guess. 

 

**young and hot**

Ten looked like some kicked puppy when he came over to drink.

 

**yongie~**

Wait, he went to _your_ house to drink? Not to the bar? 

 

**young and hot**

Ten hardly goes to the bar anymore these days. Ever since Johnny came back, at least. 

 

**yongie~**

Right. 

 

**young and hot**

Right. 

 

**young and hot**

Why don’t you know all of this? You’re more of his secretary than I am. 

 

**young and hot**

Did…. something happen? 

 

**yongie~**

Yea. 

 

**yongie~**

We fought. 

 

**yongie~**

And he says he wants to move out. 

 

**yongie~**

And said something about Jisung 

 

**yongie~**

And he cried a lot. 

 

**young and hot**

Well something is definitely wrong. He loves Jisung like anything, he won’t shut up about it, ever. And he loves 

 

Doyoung quickly backspaces, leaving it at the second sentence. This is worst than he feared. Just what exactly did Johnny say to Ten? 

 

**young and hot**

Well something is definitely wrong. He loves Jisung like anything, he won’t shut up about it, ever. 

 

**yongie~**

Exactly my point. 

 

**yongie~**

Wait let me get this straight: Ten doesn’t have an ex, and he hasn’t been dating??? 

 

**young and hot**

Yea man. Ever since like, I don’t know, three months ago? Yea. 

 

**yongie~**

Then why did he come home crying the other day? 

 

**young and hot**

What day? Two days ago? 

 

_ Oh boy. _ Doyoung frowned as his fingered hovered over the ‘send’ button. Oh screw it. If that jerk really did hurt Ten again, Taeyong should be the one out there fighting and screaming, and he would stay behind and protect Ten (and Jisung, now that he is, pretty effectively, added to the equation). As always. 

 

**young and hot**

[attached: Johnny Seo (that jerk from college)]

 

Doyoung doesn’t get a reply. 

 


	5. 解

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 解: this word alone means nothing, but it when paired with other words, it basically means answer, or solution. But it is more than that. It is the liberation, the freedom, the triumph; it is the feeling of untying the dead knot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short chapter that I had to redo a couple of times....and am still not so sure about. Thank you everyone for the kudos and comments, I really appreciated them :) If you have any feedback, good or bad, leave them in the comments and tell me what you think about them! 
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty)   
>  [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/tenecty)

Taeyong huffs as he stuffs his hands into his pockets, eyes sending daggers to anyone standing within 2 metre radius of him. Johnny Seo is late. By 5 minutes. Taeyong is beyond pissed. 

 

“What’s up man?”

 

A loud voice resonates and Taeyong snaps his head up, meeting a overly bright smile. 

 

Taeyong huffs again and nods at the seat opposite him, not bothering to offer a greeting. 

 

“Ten must have told you I’m back.” 

 

“Actually, Doyoung was the one who told me.” 

 

Johnny raises his eyebrows as he waves over a waiter. “An Americano please.” 

 

“Really?” He says, dragging the syllabus out, genuinely surprised. “Back in those days, the two of you were attached to the hip and literally could correspond telepathically.” 

 

Johnny sighs, as he stares out of the window, shaking his head in mock forlornness. “How I ever managed to date Ten back then, without feeling jealous, is a wonder.” 

 

Taeyong narrows his eyes and clears his throat. “Speaking of which-” 

 

Johnny interrupts him, putting up a finger. “Now calm down, I swear I didn’t suggest anything, or whatever okay? All I ever did, was just discuss his future with him, you know? Like old friends would. I mean, he is one big shot in Korea and he is literally breaking into the Asian market like a  _ comet _ .

 

Like literally, the two of us were just cuddling, all nice and shit and talking about deep stuff, and all I ever said was, ‘Man, sounds like you got to move on from those two before you get too deep in, like how you and I were when we were dating’ and I swear, I didn’t mean like  _ move out _ , like Doyoung told me, I swear I didn’t even  _ mildly _ suggest it. 

 

I am just saying, because, well, you know how Ten is;  _ clingy _ , never really ready to let go until you completely  _ cut  _ him off, you know?”

 

Johnny turns and pauses his rapid flow of words for a moment, to thank the waitress, and takes a sip from his drink. “Also, I heard he got shit for staying out late. Sorry. Took things too far, that day, he had a little trouble walking out the door.” Johnny comments dismissively, sending Taeyong a wink and smirk, completely oblivious to the anger fumes bursting out of the other.

 

“You know, Ten is still as handsome and viable as he was-” 

 

The next thing he knows, he is thrown onto the floor, bruise blooming on his cheek. He is grabbed and dragged up by the collar, his wild eyes meeting fierce and fiery ones, ones that have sparks and flames, so dangerous; the once calm and coldness, now replaced by hot fuels. 

 

“Say one more word, and you’ll never see the sun again, I promise you. You just came back to use him, didn’t you?” Taeyong curses under his breath, suddenly aware of the number of cameras on him. “Stay. Away. From. Him. Don’t go near him again, don’t contact him again. Do you hear me?” 

 

Taeyong doesn’t hear a reply as he unceremoniously drops the other on the floor, stalking out, the cold air only burning the fire in him even more. He walks under the whirling snow crystals, each step angrier and angrier as he realises how much Ten had not told him about, and how absolutely blind he was, accusing Ten of being on one night stands, having a lawless sex life, not knowing the least about his inner turmoils. 

 

Taeyong felt terrible, his insides all twisted into a ugly mess of knots. How much have they missed on each other? Taeyong clenches his fist as he remembers all the lost hours at the studio. He was wrong when he said that Ten was the one who changed. It was him who did; letting work consume him, so much, that he forgot about the people around him. 

 

He remembers how stunned he was when Jisung said it was “Ten-hyung-and-Jisung day”, even though it was a completely normal routine. He remembers being vaguely surprised when Jisung said that Ten never works on Saturdays. Those were basic facts, that even Doyoung and Jaehyun knew. 

 

Speaking of which, he quickly dials Jaehyun. “Hey, yea, I-” 

 

“Already on it boss, tracking down the people who uploaded the videos and blocked out their accounts. Don’t worry, I got it covered. Also, once I’m done with this…” He heard some shuffling and some commands shouted out. 

 

“I’m heading to your house, like right now. Doyoung’s there already, actually. Watching a movie or something? Don’t know. Didn’t really hear what that bunny said. Hah!” An automatic smile finds its way onto Taeyong’s lips. 

 

“And then we can all have a nice talk, a good dinner, and we can talk about Johnny, we can talk about Ten, we can talk about Jisung, god, we can even talk about Doyoung, okay? Just everything, and then we can get all this back on track, back together, like how it all was before. Don’t worry about anything hyung, it’s just another day in the chaotic lives of famous people, okay? Just another day.” And with that, Jaehyun hangs up. 

 

Taeyong shoves his handphone into his pocket, a shaky breath leaving his lips. Right. Jaehyun’s right. Nothing’s falling apart. His family is not falling apart. They are all here, together; Jaehyun, Doyoung, Jisung, Ten and him. It’s going to be alright. One nasty idiot can’t destroy their lives. Not again, at the very least. He wouldn’t allow it. 

 

He looks up and squints at the sun, looking around him as snowflakes fall gently onto the pavement. It doesn’t seem like a snow storm anymore; just a beautiful winter afternoon, a sleepy town with bustling streets, just like any other day. 

  
  
  


Taeyong opens the door, and Jaehyun flings his arms over the other, smiling widely. 

 

“Finally!” 

 

“You’re here?” Doyoung calls from the kitchen, a string of profanities coming from there as crashing, loud sounds echo out from it. “Damn, does anyone know how to expand this space or something?” 

 

“Jisung is right there, you idiot?” Jaehyun screams back as he jogs to the kitchen, knocking Doyoung’s forehead. 

 

The other just rolls his eyes as he adds some ingredients into the soup. “Hey! I bet with Jaehyun you-” The said other immediately covers the other’s mouth, sending him a fierce stare. “Shut up.” He says quietly, nodding towards the quiet duo in front of the TV, completely absorbed into Frozen. 

 

Taeyong chuckles at the two of them, dropping his coat on the hanger neatly, running his fingers through wind blown hair. He plops himself onto the sofa, Jisung lying on the floor on a thick blanket, looking a tad bit sleepy, and Ten right beside him, obviously tense. 

 

They sit in silence for a while, the only noises are coming from the TV and the bickering in the kitchen, but it is as though the two of them are in their own bubble, all of those white noises blurred out; the silence between the two of them, deafening. 

 

Finally, Ten whispers. “Are you...angry at me? Doyoung confessed that he told you Johnny was back and that, and that we-” 

 

“I’m not angry.” Taeyong says quietly, his eyes dropping as he uncomfortably plays with the loose threads of the sofa. “I’m just...a little disappointed, and okay, I guess angry, but at myself. I….didn’t even know you stopped dating.” 

 

“I...er yea.” Ten says, suddenly eyeing at the kitchen door. “Just how much did Doyoung tell you?” 

 

Taeyong laughs, sitting back comfortably now, one of his arms placed on top the backing of the sofa, Ten immediately moving closer, visibly breathing more steadily now, as he settles next to Taeyong. 

 

“Maybe...more than he should’ve?” 

 

Ten laughs softly, shifting a tad bit closer to Taeyong. The elder’s arms drop down to the space right next to Ten, and they hesitate. But then Taeyong thinks, _ oh screw it _ , and presses his fingers into Ten’s hips, pulling him closer, till the younger’s head is cradled in the crook of his neck. 

 

“Why didn’t you tell me Johnny was back?” A pause, before Ten merely shrugs, head hanging low. 

 

“I’m sorry.” 

 

Taeyong sighs, taking in a deep breath, trying to mask the ache of his heart. 

 

“It’s...It’s okay.” Taeyong whispers. He pulls back a little as his hand traces upwards to massage the back of Ten’s neck, the other closing his eyes in contentment. 

 

“Are you okay?”

 

“Why wouldn’t I be?” There is no malice in the words, the tone relaxed and content, as Ten melts against Taeyong’s touch. 

 

“I don’t know. He’s said some things to you, didn’t he?” Taeyong says, trying not to sound too bitter. 

 

Ten hums a little, throat tightening.

 

“Will you...will you tell me what he said?” Taeyong asks carefully, a little apprehensive. “If you don’t want to, that’s fine.” 

 

“No, it’s okay. I….” Ten swallows and sits up straighter, crossing his legs as he turns to face Taeyong. 

 

“He just said the usual stuff. When he first came back, we met at a bar, and we were both drunk. He said how he would love it if we were back together. And I stupidly fell for his tricks again.” Ten’s voice is small, fingers twiddling. 

 

“We caught up a little. Talking about life. He’s getting rich, in US. And then we….talked about you and Jisung. He said being that you two were being too, too involved in my life. You know how he is. 

 

“And you know Johnny loves degradation during sex. And so,” Ten swallows thickly, “He just said somethings. I...don’t want to talk about it.” Ten shifts uncomfortably, moving away slightly, Taeyong’s fingers slipping off his neck. 

 

Taeyong doesn’t say anything, not even humming in reply, not trusting the sound to not crack. A dagger stabs in his heart at those words, and he is torn between storming out to give Johnny another good round of a punch, and reaching out to hug Ten, whispering soft words into his ears.

 

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I just, didn’t want to bother you about it. You had a lot of work these past two weeks, right?” Ten says this so innocently, Taeyong would love to kick himself.

 

He runs his fingers through his hair in frustration. 

 

It’s been the same, exact, two weeks since Johnny came back to Seoul. Two weeks. Two long weeks of Ten listening to the very same person who broke him eons ago, the very same toxic person who destroyed Ten and made him build walls around himself, because the things he said were so insensitive and demeaning. How could he have missed all that? How could he be so absorbed in himself and  _ forget  _ about Ten? 

 

“Don’t say sorry. I should be the one saying that.” Taeyong whispers, head hung low, whispering under his breath, mentally cursing at himself over and over again. 

 

“I accused you of not looking out for us, when in reality, I’m just a hypocrite, because I was doing just that-” 

 

“Well, it’s not your fault. Your company’s growing. That’s good. I completely understand.” Ten mutters under is breath, fiddling with the hem of his shirt.

 

“And I swear, look at me.” Taeyong lifts his head up high, and lifts Ten’s face up too. “We, Jaehyun, Doyoung, me, even Jisung, would never hurt you. We’re not Johnny. We wouldn’t ruin you like he did to you. We’ll protect you, okay? So don’t keep things to yourself anymore. We’re  _ here _ for you. We’re family. And family sticks together so-” 

 

Ten giggles, white teeth shining, his face stretching in a large smile. “Drop the cliches, big boy. I get it. I’m sorry from keeping it from you, and I promise I wouldn’t do it again.”

 

Taeyong narrows his eyes, and a playful smile paints his lips. He sticks out his pinky. “Promise?” Ten rolls his eyes, getting up from the sofa. “Don’t be childish, Taeyong.” But he says it with no chiding, hooking his pinky with the other, laughing as Taeyong sticks his tongue out as a retort. 

 

Ten koala carries Jisung to the dinning table, where Jaehyun is rolling his eyes and Doyoung is presenting an extremely heated argument. They ignore them, digging in, Doyoung’s whining in the background, Jaehyun’s groaning, Jisung’s giggles, and amidst all that, the warmth of food and love, normality, stability,  _ routine _ , seeps into their hearts, a deep contrast to the cold winter whirling outside the window. 

 

Taeyong watches the crinkles form at the corner of Ten’s eyes and smiles gently, watching the other push Doyoung playfully, feeding Jisung huge mouthfuls of food, talking earnestly to Jaehyun about some accounting that Taeyong will never find the heart to be interested in. 

 

And it has always been like this. They fight, they misunderstand, they want to leave each other, but like magnets they draw back to each other, no matter how far apart. It’s been like this for  _ years _ , and this is just another day in their chaotic lives and confused hearts and minds. 

 

They always had, and will always work it out eventually, and Taeyong wishes very hard, as he watches the people he love laugh and smile, that they will always be happy like this. 

 

It is an unrealistic thought, and ideal paradigm. But it is a long-cherished wish that Taeyong would want to fulfill. 


	6. Hyggelig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hyggelig: the Danish word for gemütlichkeit, in German and gemytlig, in Swedish.   
> (adj./n.) a warm, friendly, cozy, delightfully intimate moment or thing. A winter morning, light traces of skin. No need for blankets; the warmth in his heart blankets him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This word’s a little shady, as in, it is hard to find the actual meaning so….if you know please tell me! But basically, In urban dictionary, this just means: SOFT HOURS ARE OPEN UWUWUWUWU
> 
>  
> 
> Thank you for all the comments and kudos, it's sweet and never fails to warm my heart :) 
> 
>  
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty)   
> [tumblr](https://tenecity.tumblr.com/)  
> [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/)

“Okay. Can we just talk about the tension between those two? LIke good tension.” Jaehyun whispers as he pops a popcorn into his mouth, watching Ten and Taeyong sit on the couch together, tangled limbs, Taeyong’s fingers absentmindedly playing with Ten’s hair, Ten humming a soft tune. He’s pretty sure the two of them are not the least concerned that the zombies in Train to Busan were not at all terrifying. 

 

Doyoung hums in reply, watchful eyes on the couple of the sofa. “I think the correct term is ‘sexual tension’.” He receives a light punch at this, and chuckles softly. 

 

The four of them have been meeting up frequently again, once Ten’s showcase was over, and Taeyong cleared his schedule by working twice as hard the past month. So the two celebrities and their respective managers now have quite a bit of free time, watching a movie every few days. 

 

Taeyong had very quietly confided in the two, that they should establish some kind of  _ routine _ , a rhythm. It would make Ten feel safer. It would be easier for him to heal completely. 

 

Doyoung can’t help rolling his eyes as he remembers Taeyong’s words. Clearly, these movie days were really just an excuse for Taeyong to cuddle with Ten, because he has been restraining himself from doing so on normal days, pretty much denying himself of pure happiness. 

 

Jaehyun had said that he thinks Taeyong doesn’t want to indulge too much; else he would spiral out of control, and say something (like ‘I love you’), or do something (like kiss Ten), that could potentially break a still emotionally unstable Ten. 

 

“Well, Ten is still too emotionally raw to think of a possibility of another romantic relationship, and Taeyong is way too idiotic and shy to say anything so yea, well, I guess there’s that tension there.” Doyoung shrugs as he throws in a bunch of popcorn in his mouth. 

  
  
  


“God, this is boring, I’m heading home.” Doyoung says exasperatingly as he tips the rest of the popcorn in his mouth, announcing to the two oblivious ones on the couch. 

 

“Bye. See you tomorrow.” Ten calls from the couch. 

 

Doyoung rolls his eyes. “Do I not, at  _ least _ , deserve a decent send off?” 

 

Ten dramatically sighs and giggles, untangling himself from Taeyong, giving his best friend a hug. “Yea, yea. See you tomorrow bunny.” 

 

Doyoung sticks his tongue out at the other, and then waves at a very soft Taeyong, fluffy hair hanging over his eyes, a gentle smile on his lips. 

 

“Jaehyun can send you home?” Taeyong offers, nonchalantly, eyes shifting back to the TV as Ten climbs back next to him. 

 

“I- what?” Jaehyun says indignantly. “I am not aware, of just  _ when _ , my job scope expanded to becoming a chauffeur.” 

 

“Jaehyun…” Taeyong gives him a side glance, eyes quickly looking back down on Ten, before giving his friend a pleading look. 

 

“Oh, damn it hyung, damn it! Okay, okay.” Jaehyun raises his arms in defeat, sighing as he gets up. “Give Jisung a kiss for me, won’t you. Bye Ten. See you tomorrow,  _ Mr.  _ Lee Taeyong.” 

 

Laughter erupts from the couch and rings in the ears of the two as they exit the apartment, hearts filled with warmth as they feel literal happiness radiating from the people they love the most. 

 

-

 

“Tired?” Taeyong mumbles softly, looking down at the other, who is sprawled across his lap, as the credits roll out. 

 

Ten just hums, eyes already closed. 

 

Everywhere else is dark, the only glow from the screen in front of them. Ten’s lips are parted slightly, no light flush on his cheeks from alcohol, no red bruises on his neck, just a perfect and flawless Ten; unharmed, unused, happy, safe, comfortable. 

  
  
  
  


Taeyong lets out a shaky breath as his fingers skim over the skin, and they brush the dark locks away softly. “Ten?” He receives no reply, and gives a soft sigh, picking up the other easily. 

 

He moves them both to the room. Ten, now really asleep, his head sunk into the pillow, looking peaceful and alluring. Taeyong stares at him, hand propped up to support his head. 

 

“Ten?” He calls again, and waits with bated breath for a response.

 

No reply comes. Only soft snores echo back. 

 

Taeyong curses under his breath as his fingers stutter and his heart squeezes as he just stares at Ten. The ethereal slope of the nose, the carefully sculpted cupid’s bow, the high cheekbones; innocent, sharp yet smooth facial features. 

 

He looked like a greek god, his eyelashes so long, Taeyong was jealous, to say the least. His eyes raked the other’s body; Ten’s lean arms, his well defined chest and subtle abs, all covered by his long hoodie; his legs, toned and strong, hidden under his cotton sweatpants. 

 

His fingers trace the delicate features, thumbs caressing the warm cheeks, brushing over the beautifully carved jawline, down the neck with prominent veins, to the collarbones that peek out under the heavy sweater. 

 

The sweater was his actually, but Ten’s pleading eyes and giddy smile afterwards had him weak in the knees, so he gave it to the other. 

  
  


Taeyong hums softly, as starts to think, which is what he likes to do at 01:27AM, thinking of all that happened the past month, and before that, and before that. 

 

He thinks of 5, almost 6 years ago, when they first met each other on campus, in awe of everything around them. Orientation camp was fun initially, but people there knew each other from the high school affiliated here; or were gravitated to each other: vocals figuring out chords together, musicians showing off talents, dancers sliding across the wooden floor, rappers doing cyphers. 

 

Taeyong wasn’t very interested in socialising, really. So he slipped out during a boring introductory lecture, and simply wandered around, through the winding hallways and beautiful structures. 

 

He walked past a marble building, mainly white, with swoops of dark blue and grey. It was tall, magnificent, the details so intricate. It is an understatement to say that the Music Academy of Fine Arts Asia (Seoul) was the most aesthetically pleasing university in all of Asia. 

 

He walked in, and he heard a violin in a corner; some high, delicate notes floating in the air from a talented pianist; but nothing drew him in, like the squeaks of complicated footwork on cold hardwood. 

 

That’s when he met Ten. And he swears, he has never seen someone as alluring as him. 

 

Taeyong majored in music production and minored in dance, and Ten did the exact opposite; the two of them fitting like two pieces of a puzzle. 

 

They worked together, studied together, walked to the dorms together, ate together, laughed together, found Jaehyun and Doyoung together. They became so close, nearly attached to the hip, never at a place without the other (unless it is for lectures they absolutely  _ had _ to attend). 

 

Seasons flew past, and Ten became more open, flirting left, right, centre, being the social butterfly he really is. Taeyong was more reserved, but he too, had his fair share of admirers; the two of them well sought out in school. 

 

But through it all, they remained by each other’s side, and no matter how insecure, or how many times Ten had tried to push him away, claiming, heart broken at the end of every single one of their arguments, that someday he would use Taeyong, someday he would hurt him, and it would destroy both of them, Taeyong stayed no matter what. 

 

He stayed with clenched fist, faking a smile when Ten excitedly described his date with Johnny. He stayed, when Ten forgot about their date and he ate alone, in the dorm. He stayed with twisting heartstrings, when Ten crept back home late at night, his hips sore and lips swollen, neck filled with red marks. He stayed when Ten came home crying, heart broken. 

 

Because he knew, Ten was Thai, Ten was a foreigner, Ten was in a place unfamiliar. Despite the brave frontier, he was still a teenager, who was talented enough to skip grades and ended in the most prestigious colleges in the world at a young age. But inside, Ten was very much alone, and afraid. He didn’t have a home to call. His family was very supportive back home, but they weren’t physically there with him. 

 

So Taeyong had decided, he would be Ten’s home. He will make him secure, he would create a family for him, to make Ten feel safe, feel at ease, feel familiar. 

 

Which is why somehow or the other, even though the two parted ways after graduation, Taeyong picked up the phone the moment he got the apartment, and had realised that he had one extra room that Ten could easily fit right into. 

 

They never really broke out of the habit, he supposes, of being each other’s homes, finding solace in each other, being each other’s safe haven. 

 

When Jisung came into the picture, Ten was absolutely  _ buzzing _ with excitement. He loves kids with all his heart. They played well together, and sometimes Taeyong wonders if he has one kid, or two kids. Nevertheless, he loves both equally. 

 

Or that’s what he thought. 

 

Yes, he loves them with equal amounts. But it was a different type of love; one parental, one platonic. 

 

Or so he thought. 

  
  


Was it three months ago? When he saw Ten watching with wide puppy eyes, the sunshine reflecting in his eyes as he watched the first snowfall for the season, with the same kind of awe he did when he first came to Seoul? 

 

Or was it when he watched Ten read with Jisung some old, dusty book? 

 

Or was it when he went to pick Ten up after rehearsals at 12am, and they stopped over the bridge, looking out into brightly, colourful Seoul; and Ten had just looked at him with a strange look, a look he would never forget, because it had his heart thumping against his ribcage like a wild animal? 

 

Or maybe it was when he first saw him, in the practice rooms, not giving a shit about orientation, so, completely absorbed into the music. 

  
  


It doesn’t matter; he doesn’t care. All he cares right now, is that Ten’s beautifully carved lips look extremely inviting, and it take everything in his willpower to stop himself from bending over and leaning in. 

 

He can’t really hold back the urge, but he opts to simply press his lips on the smooth forehead. His lips linger longer than it should, and he pulls back, slightly, shallow, stuttered breaths fanning over the other’s face. His eyes scan Ten’s features, making sure that the other is 100% asleep, before he says, what he had wanted to say, since forever. 

 

“I think,” He takes a deep breath, and then continues softly, as his fingers carding through Ten’s silky locks. 

 

“I think, I’m in love with you.” 

  
  
  
  


Those seven words shake Ten’s body to the core, but he shows no sign whatsoever, simply inking the insides of his palm with dull, red crescents, his blunt nails almost drawing blood, his heart aching and pounding with incomprehensible emotion.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is so short RIP IM SO SORRY JSHDAKLSHJ


	7. Toska

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Toska: A Russian word that is hard to translate and can only be felt. Just like how in Joy Luck Club, the character Rose says this accurately, that some Chinese words “refer to a sensation that only Chinese people have”, this Russian word is a sensation only the Russians will understand. It has multiple layers of meaning.
> 
>  
> 
> Lolita author Vladimir Nabokov, breaks it down as this: “At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining…... it may be the desire for somebody or something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and it begins

 

The next morning, the other two had already left the house, the room dropping by a few degrees, causing Ten to grit his teeth as he forced himself to peel himself away from the warm sheets. 

 

He grabs his phone and opens up the messages. 

 

**yongie hyung**

we left the house first because there’s school today 

 

**yongie hyung**

didn’t make breakfast for you because i was scared it would get cold. sorry :(

 

**yongie hyung**

i’ll pick you up for lunch though? 

 

**yongie hyung**

with jaehyun and doyoung. to celebrate.

 

**Ten**

it’s okay. and yea sure, i’m game for lunch. 

  
  


He types the quick reply, and then opens his other messages, rolling his eyes as he scans the them. 

 

**your favourite doyoungie**

the hell are you idiot, get your ass here to practice dAMn 

 

**your favourite doyoungie**

i really should get a pay rise. i practically RUN this damn company 

 

**Ten**

shut up. i bring in the damn money, so technically i’m your boss and i could fire you any time sOoOo 

 

**Ten**

if i were you, i would watch my mouth honey ;) 

 

**Your favourite doyoungie**

fantastic! you’re alive! and being the salty asshole you always are. get here asap idiot. 

  
  


Ten laughs at the last comment, shaking his head, He swings his legs over the bed, humming as he scrolls through more messages. He opens the closet and picks a bright purple knitted sweater as he mundanely scrolls through the messages from work, the dance crew, spam, and  _ oh. _

  
  


**Don’t reply, don’t pick up**

Hey

 

**Don’t reply, don’t pick up**

I know you probably hate me and named my contact as don’t pick up or something

 

**Don’t reply, don’t pick up**

But I’m flying off tomorrow, and thought I should at least say goodbye?

 

**Don’t reply, don’t pick up**

And I really do owe you an apology. 

 

**Don’t reply, don’t pick up**

So you know. I want to meet up. As a closure. For both of us. A reflection for me too, actually.

  
  


Ten gnaws his lips till he draws blood. And then hands shaking, head spinning, breath shallow, and snow swirling, he drops the lilac shirt, and opts for a black one instead. 

 

**Ten**

Sure. Coffee shop near the college in 10.

  
  
  
  
  
  


It’s quiet when he enters the coffee shop, the Christmas bells on the door ringing through the caffeine-scented place. 

 

He finds Johnny in their usual corner, sipping on his Americano. He looks good too,  _ that _ , Ten has to admit. A white turtleneck with a beige coat draped over his lap, his sleeves rolled up slightly, revealing a Rolex watch underneath, sparkling under the light rays of the sun. He is humming some familiar tune, eyes watching the passer-bys, fingers tapping against the dark wood. 

 

If Ten didn’t know the real face behind this man, he would have fallen for him all over again. 

 

He clears his throat as he takes a seat. Johnny gives him a small smile, sliding him the cup next to his. “Americano.” 

 

Ten just stares at the cup, white condensation smoking out of it, his hands clasped tightly in his lap. “Thanks.” He manages to mumble, carefully taking a sip of the piping hot coffee. 

 

“You look good today.” Johnny comments after a period of silence, and Ten looks up warily, afraid to meet the usual predatory eyes. But it wasn’t like before anymore, the eyes filled with raw hurt and softness. But still, it made Ten look away. 

 

“How’s your injuries?” Ten asks, stirring his coffee mindlessly, watching the contents swirl in a whirlpool. 

 

“Better. That Taeyong, never thought he would be one to throw a punch.” Johnny says, grinning slightly. Ten merely hums in reply, a ghost of a smile on his lips. 

 

“But, I deserve it though. Tell him ‘no hard feelings’ for me, yeah?” Ten nods in response, finally having the courage to look Johnny in the eye. 

 

“Is this….all you have to tell me today?” 

 

“No.”Johnny shakes his head, his smile dropping. “Of course there is more I want to tell you. But certainly not here.” He eyes the surroundings, the cafe slowly getting crowded. “Want to take a walk?” 

 

Ten shrugs and stands up, both of them heading towards the exit, leaving the warmth of the cafe, and exchanging it for the bitter cold. 

  
  
  


Their feet lead them to where it all began, under the old tree next to the dance practice rooms, the worn-out bench still looking the same as ever. They seat themselves there, wrapped up in their sweaters and scarves; two men with a long history, finally coming back to where it all started, to end what they had begun. 

 

Johnny takes a deep breath, inhaling the sharp, crisp scent of the campus; low, melodious voices in the distance, squeaks of shoes against worn-out dance floors, students scurrying around with thick textbooks, too much music in their heads to enjoy the deep cold of the winter. 

 

His heart-shaped lips open, and out spill the words he had always wanted to say, but were always said in the wrong way, or were far too sharp and sarcastic, for the full conveyance of his meaning. 

 

“I….I wanted to say sorry. And wanted to clarify. The times we had together, were, were, well...one of a kind. It was special, it was memorable, and it definitely wasn’t just me using you, all the time. 

 

“I know I left you hanging. Those last few weeks, I just...didn’t feel that magical connection anymore. I felt listless, I felt lonely, I felt...lost. Because I was supposed to love you, and shouldn’t be feeling that way. 

 

“I know I….used you, towards the end. Sexually and emotionally. I was trying to fill the gap in my heart, that I didn’t even know existed. It was becoming too much to bear, everything just, crashing down on me, and I didn’t know why. I still don’t. 

 

“It’s just...one of those times you know? Where you just hate everyone and everything, and want to be alone. And then coincidentally, my dad needed me to go to the States for work, so I just….I just left.

 

“I listened to all your voicemails you know, all the messages, and I know I broke you, and I’m so, so sorry. 

 

“You’re not one to easily let down walls Ten. The innermost ones. You let me in, I took it for granted, and when I left, I know, you must have felt lost, or insecure or something along those lines. Because the person you trusted the most left without a word, and you had no one to turn to. And I really, am so, so sorry for that. 

 

“This time, I came back, I...well, you’re very, very appealing. And each time I tell myself to stop, I just can’t, and I thought, wow, maybe I’m falling in love with you again. But it’s not it. That punch Taeyong gave me? It was a slap back to the reality. 

 

“I didn’t love you, I did once, maybe, but not anymore. It was delusional for me to think I could salvage,  _ save _ you even (wow that sounds so stupid), because I hated that I hurt you, and I wanted to compensate for it. But I did it all wrong, in the wrong way, at the wrong time. I didn’t even consider your feelings. And really, I’m so, so sorry.” 

 

That was a lot, coming from the proud Johnny, who hardly admits to his mistakes. Ten was touched, really. It was a beautiful thing, to see someone grow out of their old shell, and grow to become a better person. Ten felt happy almost. 

 

Not being loved...stung a little, but it was barely an ant’s bite, just a mild twinge of the heart, and it was gone. It didn’t matter to him. At least, not anymore. 

 

Johnny takes another breath, and leans against the bench, eyes looking up into the white skies, and Ten wonders if it is the trick of the light, or there was a sad sparkling in his eyes. 

 

“But you know Ten, if anything good came out of this, I mean, I know it has been terrible for you, but there was something positive that came out of all of this. And I’m happy for you. Because maybe, just maybe, it can fully compensate for all the horrible things I did to you. 

 

“Your friends are amazing, Ten. Absolutely. Did you know? When I came back, Dongyoung nearly bit my head off, screaming at me to go back to the States, or to never go near you again. He was absolutely seething when he saw me with you, but you didn’t know he was watching, and you didn’t say anything to him, so he let you have your space. I think he cried when he phoned me, begging me to stop. 

 

“Jaehyun, that’s another one. He is a really good secretary, by the way. He managed to pull down all the videos, nearly called my  _ father  _ about this, god, he is a dangerous one. He drove up to my office, saw I was pretty injured and called the doctor for me. Kept his distance, but still warned me. If Dongyoung was a tiger, Jaehyun was a quiet, but dangerous lion. It was pretty scary.” Johnny laughs a little at this, and Ten chuckles along. He can’t even imagine Jaehyun being properly angry. Jaehyun was far too much of an angel for that. 

 

“And then of course, there is Lee Taeyong. Have I ever told you? I was dead jealous, and perhaps, still am a little, over him. Back in the day, the two of you were practically joined to the hip, I hated him for stealing you away all the time. 

 

“But now that I look at it, I mean, he’s always been a quiet one. Like a quiet anger kind. He never shouts, his words maybe harsh, but he never gets physical. So his punch was surprising and eye opening. Because I realised, right there and then, that this is probably the one for you, Ten.” Ten’s breath hitches at this, and he swallows hard, shaking his head. 

 

“No, really. He stepped out of his comfort zone, just to protect you. He called me after, even, had coffee, and a pretty serious talk that really woke me up. And I can tell, Ten. I know. Because the look he gave you, is exactly the kind of look I probably gave you early on, and the look you gave me, and the looks Doyoung and Jaehyun give each other. 

 

“He loves you. He probably loved you five years ago, and he  _ still loves you _ , even if he doesn’t want to bloody admit it.” 

 

Ten shakes his head, his heart clenching with full force now. “You’re wrong. He did.” 

 

“What?” Johnny asks, eyes wide open. 

 

“He admitted it.” 

 

A pause, and a deep breath taken in. “What?” 

 

Ten laughs, a bitter one. “Yeah.” 

 

“Oh.” 

 

“Yeah.” 

 

“Definitely didn’t see that one coming.” 

 

Ten laughs again, shrugging. “Yeah.” 

 

“So….what are you going to do about it?” 

 

Ten sighs. “I don’t know. I think there’s still a few gaps left before I can completely close the chapter I had with you. You were important you know, to me. Like, really, really important. It’s hard, to just erase, 4, 5 years of your life away, just like that.” 

 

Johnny nods, heart stuck in his throat, guilt washing over him in tsunamis. “I’m sorry.” 

 

“Don’t apologise anymore. It’s okay. It’s over. You did your part. I just have to do mine and give myself some closure.” 

 

He pauses, and then with a deep breath, he decides to ask. It has to end the way it begins; this is the circle of life. He had been hurt, he had been broken, he built walls, he was healing, he needed time, and now, he needs closure. 

 

He turns to face the other. “A goodbye kiss?” 

 

Johnny raises his eyebrows. 

 

“Just, you know. A real goodbye. I felt like the previous ones were all...unfinished.” 

 

Johnny hums in reply, and leans in. 

 

His lips tasted of the bitter caffeine, of sadness and salty tears, of a bitter past and the freshness of mint, the start of a new beginning. They kiss almost desperately; not to be mistaken as passionately; but desperately, a longing that has weeded into their hearts. 

 

Ten savours it, his fingers stay in his lap, while Johnny holds his face gently, softly, like the first time he held him. It was gentle, smooth; not awkward like their first one, or fast, hot, and passionate like their subsequent ones. Hurt lingered on their tongues, and as their lips slipped past each other, brushes and gentle sucks, it dissipated and what was left, was an empty shell. 

 

Johnny brushes his cold fingers over Ten’s equally chilled cheeks. He smiles into the kiss, before letting go, pressing a soft, ending kiss on the forehead, lips lingering for longer than it should. “I loved you. I hope you know that. And thank you. For everything.” 

 

Ten smiles back, pulling apart. “Thank you too. For everything.” 

 

And with shared affectionate smiles, they part ways. 

  
  
  


In the distance, a heart breaks. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> social media:  
> [tumblr](https://tenecity.tumblr.com/)  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me)


	8. 内疚

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 内疚  
> (n.) guilty.   
> But once again, it is more than guilty. It is the heart wrenching, twisting of heartstrings. The sinking pit in your stomach when you realise everything is spiralling to doom. And it is all because of you. It contains some levels of self blame. 
> 
> I have experienced it a couple of times. It is a feeling that is hard to pen down. It is a feeling I never want to feel again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thankyou for all your nice comments and kudos!!! keeping leaving them because they always make my day ☺
> 
> hmu! social media:  
> [tumblr](https://tenecity.tumblr.com/)  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me)

Ten waits patiently at the restaurant he agreed to meet with Taeyong and the others. Doyoung comes on time, running his mouth as usual, complaining about why Ten didn’t come, groaning over the headaches that came with the morning rush and complicated schedules. Ten listens quietly, humming every now or then. 

 

“Dude, you said you would come to work today. You broke your promise!” Doyoung eyes him accusingly, out of breath at this moment, finally tired from all the complaining. 

 

Ten shrugs. “Johnny asked to meet up. So-” 

 

“What?!” Doyoung’s eyes widen and he stares at the other in disbelief, cutting Ten off. Patrons eye them aggressively, and Ten sends his shining, apologetic smile, that works wonders, by the way, turning their eyes away. 

 

“You what?” Doyoung repeats softer, but certainly still quite loud, earning him hisses from the people around them. 

 

Ten gives him a disapproving look. “Yeah. I met up with him. No big deal, bunny. Just a quick chat, to give ourselves some closure, before he flies back. We probably won’t see him for a while.” Ten says nonchalantly, a hint of a smile on his face as he watches Doyoung’s face turn from surprise, to disbelief, to annoyance. 

 

“Really? After all my hard work of trying to keep you away from him, you meet up with him? For some cheesy closure? Really? God, Ten, you always put my work to waste.” There is no venom in his words and he says them teasingly, giving Ten a blinding smile, obviously happy and proud for his friend. Ten looks almost liberated, like a dove out of a cage, and Doyoung is can’t help, but be happy for him. 

 

The two of them continue to chat, from work, to office gossip, to dance community gossip, to talking about Jisung, and then finally, their stomachs grumble at them. 

 

Doyoung looks at his watch, frowning. “It’s 2pm already. We agreed to meet at 1. Where are they?” 

 

The creases in Ten’s forehead deepen, curving downwards as he dials for Taeyong. But it only reaches his voicemail, and nothing else, the other end of the phone silent and dead. Worry seeps into his bones and his heart starts to twist in the wrong way, making him wince a little. 

  
  


“Can you reach Taeyong?” 

 

“No. Jaehyun?” 

 

Doyoung shakes his head, his face scrunching up in almost physical pain. Anyone would think he is being calm and collected, but it is obvious to his long term friend that he is trying hard to conceal the panic setting in. The two of them were not the kind to pull a prank like this. Phones off, nowhere to be found, late for appointments. It was usually the reverse. 

 

“Wait. Today’s a school day. Jisung ends school around now. So…” 

 

Doyoung’s already out of his chair, his car keys swinging around his finger. “Hurry up, slowcoach.” 

 

The two arrive at the school, surprised to see Jisung still in school, even though it was already close to 2.30pm, and Taeyong should have picked him up by now. Jisung seems unfazed though, talking casually to the old man selling roasted peanuts, passing over some money as he happily munches on some. 

 

Ten rushes forward, giving Jisung a hug. The younger frowns a little, a bit surprised by the sudden force of affection. “Why are you here all alone? Why didn’t Taeyong come to pick you up? Where is your dad? And  _ what _ , did I tell you about eating too many peanuts?” His questions flow out in an unobstructed stream, ending with an accusatory tone. 

 

“You said it would make me have a sore throat because it’s heaty, and I shouldn’t eat so much.” Jisung mumbles, resolutely tying the packet with a rubber band, sighing as he slips them into his bag, guilty as charged. 

 

“Okay, whatever. Jisung, where’s your dad? Where’s Uncle Jaehyun?” Doyoung says in a rush, rolling his eyes at the turn of the conversation to complete irrelevance. 

 

Jisung shrugs his shoulders. “Teacher Lee said that dad’s not picking me up today.” 

 

“What-” Ten’s eyes open in disbelief as a shudder runs down his spine.

 

“Sir? Are you Mr. Ten?” A lady walks up, spectacles hanging precariously on the bridge of her nose. She must be Mrs. Han. The one Jisung is constantly complaining about. 

 

“I-er, yes.” 

 

“Mr. Lee called, saying that he can’t pick Jisung up, and that you would.” 

 

“But I-” 

 

“Any other miscommunication is none of my business, just please bring Jisung home.” She says with a tight smile, eyes rolling as Jisung sticks his tongue out at her. 

 

“Right. Thank you.” 

 

He catches Doyoung’s eyes, who gives him an equally confused look. “Why would Taeyong say that?” Doyoung voices out the question whirling in Ten’s mind. 

 

“I don’t know. Something’s...something’s not right.” Ten replies shaikly, his stomach turning. 

  
  
  
  


“Jaehyun!” Doyoung says, shouting in relief when he sees the other on the couch of home. The other has his arm over his eyes, laid back, legs apart, breathing, it would seem, steadily. But if you looked carefully, you could just see his shoulders shakily rising and falling. His shirt was crumpled, his hair messy, a complete opposite of the usually neat and under-control Jaehyun.

 

“What’s wrong?” Doyoung takes a seat next to Jaehyun, lightly touching Jaehyun’s toned arms. The other tenses at the touch, and Doyoung immediately pulls away. “Hey, what’s wrong?” 

 

Jisung drops his bag, and clambers onto Jaehyun’s lap, wrapping his arms around the latter, giving him a reassuring pat. If not for the sombre atmosphere, they would have laughed at how comical it was; the little one taking care of the adults. 

 

Jaehyun bites back a snap, and merely thanks the other, quietly asking Jisung to leave the adults alone for a moment. The younger trots off, obeying immediately, sensing that something was off. 

 

As soon as Jisung’s door shut with a soft click, Jaehyun looks up and shoots Ten a piercing glare. “What the hell did you do?” 

 

Ten frowns and tilts his head in confusion. “Excuse me?” 

 

“Okay, listen, I don’t know what you did, but I know you did something, pissed Taeyong off, and made a mess out of  _ everything. _ ” Jaehyun says in a huff, his fists clenching till his knuckles went white; it took every ounce of his body to stop himself from strangling Ten. 

 

Somewhere, at the back of his rational mind, this wasn’t Ten’s fault; the poor latter doesn’t have a clue about what just happened. But it was hard not to lash it out on someone,  _ blame  _ it on someone. 

 

“We lost a deal. A major deal. The one with the States. The one the whole damn company had worked hard for, and now its a naught because, oh,  _ I don’t know _ ,  _ someone _ decided that today’s not the day and flipped the whole company upside down and the Americans don’t want us anymore.  _ They don’t want us _ .” Jaehyun says softly, burying his head in his hands, his shoulders rising and falling, quivering. 

 

Ten still doesn’t say anything, still looking at Jaehyun in disbelief. Okay, they lost a deal, something that Taeyong has been talking about for weeks, during breakfast, lunch, dinner, saying that  _ It would make a world of a difference _ , and maybe, they could move out and get a  _ fancy white house on the edge of Jeju island or Bangkok _ . But why is the blame for the failure falling on Ten?

 

Jaehyun, as if answering the question, speaks again. “Taeyong went out, wanted to go do something, I don’t know; and then he came back half an hour later, his expression so dark, it’s not even  _ funny. _ I have never seen him look so….so cold before. It wasn’t even anger. I mean it  _ was _ later, when everything exploded. 

 

During the break, the CEO of Apple was like, ‘Mr. Lee, do you have a partner?’ or something like that,  _ I don’t know _ , I was too busy trying to set up a damn deal to care about those small talk and frivolous things. The next thing I knew, the security were trying to pin Taeyong down, and their American secretary just took  _ my  _ proposal, and then  _ left _ .”  __

 

Jaehyun takes a deep breath, mumbling something about his proposal, and  _ it took 2 months, 2 months! _ He doesn’t even shrug off Doyoung, who is humming softly, rubbing the other’s back. Jaehyun huffs and sniffs, angrily wiping away his tears and disappointment. Hard work for 2, whole years, being completely wiped off in 2 seconds; just thinking about it, brought another stab in Jaehyun’s heart. 

 

“And, I am 100% sure that it’s got something to do with you, Ten. Because only one person can rile him up this much, and that is you. It’s almost the exact same look he came back with when he found out you were dating Johnny, only, this time, it’s a hell lot darker. And scarier.” Jaehyun shudders at the memory of Taeyong storming right in, slamming the door shut, crunching paper after paper, and tossing them into the can, his pen twirling between his fingers. 

 

“Where is he?” Ten manages out. His stomach flips, twisting in ways he wish they didn’t, because they only made him feel worse, and dizzy. 

 

“He came back, went to the room, and then slammed the door and went back to the studio, I guess. I don’t know. I was too damn tired to follow him. I can’t even track him, because I made the damn firewall for his phone, and  _ I don’t know how to break it _ . This is so stupid.” Jaehyun sighs, giving a crude, short laugh. 

 

He leans back against the couch, unconsciously snuggling closer to Doyoung, pressing his eyes against Doyoung’s neck, eyes falling shut. “God, my head hurts. My eyes hurt. Everything hurts. And shit, I have to go back to the office, it’s complete chaos there right now, and there’s no one to lead them.” He stands up abruptly, throwing his blazer over his shoulder. “Also, I’m sorry. I took a couple of bottles of soju, so did Tae-” 

  
  


“What?!” Ten says, his head snapping as he stares at Jaehyun. 

 

“Shit.” Doyoung whispers under his breath. 

 

“And as if this day can’t get any worse.” Jaehyun says lowly, cursing under his breath. “Let me call up the studio, and see if he’s there.” 

  
“What??? He what? He drank and you didn’t stop him?” Ten says in utter disbelief, a new kind of panic and fear rising. His question is unanswered and he bites his lips, suppressing the urge to go out and bring Taeyong home. 

 

Doyoung is already on the phone at this phone, rapid Korean spilling from his lips as he summons Donghyuck, Taeyong’s prodigy, who was currently under their dance academy, to babysit Jisung. 

 

Ten is pacing up and down, hands running through his hair, dialling over and over again, but Taeyong’s phone sends back the same message over, and over, and over again. 

 

Jaehyun is literally screaming into the phone at this point. Ten glances over at him and they share a look of disbelief and complete panic. “What?” Ten mouths, rushing over. 

 

“The other secretary, Yuta, just said the security just called because they saw Taeyong collapse in the studio. But they don’t have the god damn  _ key _ . They are calling the police and ambulance, but I don’t know if-”

 

Ten runs his hands through his hair again, a sharp intake of breath, tears pricking at the back of his eyes, as he vaguely remembers something; the memory now wrapping its hands around Ten’s neck, choking him with guilt.

  
  


_ Jisung clambers into the bed, crying as he snuffles against the pillows. Ten wakes up first, always being the more sensitive one. “What’s wrong, hmm?” His voice is raspy, and he hates it, but it looks like it was melody to Jisung’s ears, because the tears don’t flow anymore. Instead, he wraps his arms around Ten, snuggling against Ten’s chest, mumbling. _

 

_ Taeyong is awoken by the movement, and he runs his fingers through Jisung’s hair, whispering soft words. Ten smiles softly as he watches Taeyong sleepily whisper nonsense, as if creating a language only father and son can understand. Jisung’s head starts to nod, as he slips back into slumber, the lull of the words putting him to sleep.  _

 

_ “What time did you come back?” Ten whispers, eyes falling shut as he shifts, pressing closer to Taeyong. When he went to bed, it was already 3am, and he had been waiting for Taeyong, but had unconsciously nodded off to sleep. He didn’t notice that Taeyong had already come back home, wrapping himself in the sheets, tangling himself with Ten.  _

 

_ “An hour ago, maybe?” _

 

_ Ten frowns, turning, eyes opening slightly, only to meet Taeyong’s chocolate brown ones. “You shouldn’t stay up so late all the time.”  _

 

_ “Was finalising the Apple deal, you know, the big one I was talking about.”  _

 

_ Ten hums in reply, while Taeyong says this whilst wrapping his arms around Ten’s waist, acting just like Jisung, as he rests his head at the crook of Ten’s neck. He inhales the faint flower scent clinging onto Ten’s clothes. Playing with the loose strings on Ten’s worn out shirt, his fingers tremble just a little as he takes a deep breath.  _

 

_ “The meeting’s tomorrow.” Ten lowly hums in reply, weaker than the first, obviously slipping back to sleep.  _

 

_ Taeyong sighs, saying the next words more to himself than anyone else. “It’s a big day tomorrow. It’s going to be life changing. And I’m scared.” _

 

_ Ten forcefully pulls himself out of his dreams at those words, and repositions his arm, his fingers caressing Taeyong’s shoulder blades. Taeyong sighs in content, a small smile on his face, a little smugness in it, as he relaxes fully into the other’s embrace. _

 

_ “Can you come to the office tomorrow? Just to you know…...”  _

 

_ “Sure.” Ten says softly, fingers going at slow traces.  _

 

_ “Or how about at college? You know...It’s where it all began. Going back to our roots would be a good start to this, right?”  _

 

_ “Yea.” Ten breathes out. “Don’t worry about it, you’re going to do great either way. Let’s get some sleep, hmm? Tomorrow’s a long day.”  _

 

_ “Okay.” Taeyong whispers back, his words fanning across Ten’s neck. Lips press against a prominent vein, and they fall into steady breathing.  _

 

The next morning, in his haste, and in his surprise at the turn of events, he completely forgot about it. Taeyong didn’t say anything either. But that’s not the important part. 

 

The important part was that Ten knew Taeyong would have wanted him to keep sleeping, have a good rest. If he forgot about them meeting before his conference, that was fine. Ten always came first. 

 

But he would have still gone, because he was exactly the kind of reminiscent person, to go back to where it all began, put himself in a good mindset, and start the meeting with refreshed feelings. 

 

He would have gone to the Ala Mater, and it was impossible, that he didn’t pass by the practice rooms once, because he loved it there; he’s told Ten thousands of times. 

 

Thus, it would be impossible, that he didn’t see Ten and Johnny, and what happened between them. 

 

Between that, the stress, the nervousness, and how sensitive Taeyong was, so vulnerable even in his strength, vulnerable especially when it came to his weak spots like Ten and Jisung, he would have broken down. Which is exactly what happened. 

 

Ten feels like throwing up. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also, if you're into johnten!!!!! my new fic: [please, stay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16711855/chapters/39196159)


	9. Hüzün

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hüzün  
> (n.) A sad feeling that leads you to think that things are in decline and that the situation will probably get gradually worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> things arE SPEEDING UP! also, double update because i'm traveling next week so i wouldn't have time to update / may update later :) sorry about that! 
> 
> if you love johnten: [please, stay](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16711855/chapters/39196159)

Doyoung offers to stay with Jisung until Mark arrives, and Ten shouts a thanks as he sprints out of the house, Jaehyun right at his heels. Jaehyun tries to drive calmly and at a safe speed, but Ten can see, by the clench of his jaw, and the sweaty imprints on the wheel, that he can’t help but speed through at least one traffic light. 

 

Ten can feel the guilt radiating off Jaehyun, and he wants to say that it’s okay, that it wasn’t his fault. But given the stressful situation they are in, and the tight expression on Jaehyun’s face, he opts to not say anything instead. 

 

They all know, even the  _ fans _ know, that Taeyong is allergic to soju. But perhaps in the haste of the moment, and the haze of his emotions, he just downed whatever alcohol there was, to numb the pain, hurt, disappointment, whatever there was. 

 

Ten stares at the rushing cars, and blinks away tears that he hopes Jaehyun doesn’t see. But he fails, because a tear stains his jeans, and Jaehyun wordlessly reaches over, squeezing his hand. It doesn’t better anything. More tears just flow. 

  
  
  


They reach the hospital. It was fortunate that the police got there in the quickest time possible, broke the lock, and the paramedics rushed in in time. The last they heard from Yuta, was that the ambulance was on its way to the SNU hospital. 

 

They burst into ICU, Jaehyun speaking rapidly as he asks for instructions; Ten had pretty much lost his ability to speak Korean, the only thing running through his brain was, “Taeyong, Taeyong, Taeyong.” 

 

“Yuta!” Jaehyun shouts, rushing over to the Japanese boy, who is wringing his hands. “Jaehyun!” He wraps his arms around his colleague, and Yuta bursts into tears, Taeil, their co-producer, right behind him, already sniffling. 

 

“You have no idea how scared I was. His face was all red and hives everywhere, and he passed out and….” Ten doesn’t hear the rest of it. The words were just a mumbled mess over his swirling thoughts.  _ Taeyong, Taeyong, Taeyong. _ For the first time in years, Ten actually prays, his head bowed, hands clasped, desperately hoping that Taeyong would be okay. 

  
  


After what seemed like years, the doctor briskly exits the emergency room, and Ten rushes over. “How is he?” 

 

The doctor eyes Ten, looking at the register, and back to him. “I’m sorry, but you are…?” 

_ Taeyong’s….roommate? Best friend? Boyfriend?  _

 

“His colleagues.” Jaehyun interjects, and Ten bites the inside of his cheek. 

 

The doctor hums satisfactory, and pushes his glasses up. “So, I’ve given the patient Epinephrine, a-” 

 

“Yes, we know what it is. How is he?” Jaehyun interrupts, staring at the doctor impatiently. He doesn’t wish to speak out of turn, but the emotions, the anxiousness made him intolerable of the possible over-extensive explanation from the doctor. 

 

The doctor’s mouth twists unpleasantly, but he clears his throat nonetheless. “The patient is doing fine, after the injection, all vitals were clear, and it seems, that he is out of the danger zone. But, he has yet to recover entirely, seeing that there was an overdose of alcohol, for a person who is allergic to it, of course. He can be discharged tomorrow. Does he need an MC?” The doctor looks up expectantly. 

 

“No. Thank you.” Jaehyun smiles politely, steering a confused Ten. 

 

“What?” 

 

“Basically-”

 

“No, I can  _ understand _ Korean, Jaehyun. As in, what? An overdose?”

 

“I-”

 

“You were there to stop him, Jaehyun! I don’t care if you lost a deal; the very least you could do was look out for him. That’s what a  _ friend _ would have done.” Ten snaps as he speed walks down the aisle to the ward. 

 

“Well, if you didn’t start it-” 

 

“How do you know I started it? I mightn’t have been the trigger!” 

  
  


“I’m sorry, but could the two of you please shut the f-” 

 

“No!” The both snap, turning to face the intruder.    
  


“Doyoung.” 

 

Doyoung was glaring at them through glistening eyes, mouth wobbling as he crosses his arms, trying to muster the best infuriated expression he could. But with tear streaks staining his cheeks, red rimmed eyes and sniffles, it was hard to stay angry, and even harder for them to be angry at him and each other. 

 

“Taeyong could have almost, almost- I don’t even want to say it. And all you two can do is  _ blame  _ each other?” Doyoung hates how broken his voice sounds, raspy and wobbly, vulnerable and raw with emotion. 

 

The fire in Ten extinguishes, and he drags a hand down his face, embarrassment and guilt overwhelming him. It seems like everyone has their fair share of guilt today; from Johnny, to Jaehyun, to him, it was an endless cycle. 

 

It is a moment’s pause, before Ten throws away his pride. “I’m sorry.” 

  
  


Jaehyun doesn’t say anything, but places his hand on Ten’s back as they file quietly into the ward, and Ten can feel the apologies flowing out of him.  

  
  


They collectively sigh at the unmoving person on the hospital bed, his face clear of the usual frowns, but they lack the life and colour that was always there. Taeyong’s face is drained of colour, and instead of his usual chatter and weird, small noises, the room echoes of heavy guilt, worry, and the repetitive beeping sounds from the monitor. 

  
  
  
  


It is in the early hours when Taeyong opens his eyes, squinting a little as they adjust to the darkness of the room. The sun is still asleep, as with the occupants of the ward. All but one of the lights are off, the lone one shining dimly in the darkness, casting shadows all around. 

 

Taeyong moves a little, his head pounding, his body aching. But he pauses as soon as he feels his blanket being weighed down by something,  _ somebody. _

 

He peeks, and his eyes travel down the creases, before landing on the very person who made him see red a couple hours ago. Ten looks beautiful as always, but not so much ethereal anymore. He doesn’t look like a greek god, not with those lines cutting his face, his cheeks stained with salty drops, his mouth downturned in the most morbid way. 

 

Usually, the slightest movement would wake him up, but he now, he doesn’t. Taeyong sighs, heart clenching. His eyes flicker to the edge of the room. 

 

That’s when he noticed how  _ fancy  _ the ward is. It’s basically royal standard; a pantry, a sea glass coffee table, fancy floral decorations creeping up the walls of a ward, and of course, a couch that could fit two; Doyoung comfortably sleeping with his head against Jaehyun’s chest. 

 

Warmth arises in Taeyong’s chest and a soft smile ensues. 

 

The back of his head hits the softness of the pillow, and his head pounds; from the medication or the lingering aftermath of the soju, he doesn’t really know. His eyes flutter open again as he winces at the pain, staring at the endless, cold ceiling. 

 

He doesn’t remember much, honestly. He remembers storming home with Jaehyun, grabbing two bottles of something (he  _ swears _ he didn’t know they were soju. Everything looks like the same when your vision is blurred with tears), and then proceeding to the studio. The next thing he remembers, is a whirl of white suits, tears and shouts. And then darkness. 

 

But now, one memory still vividly plays in his mind, and his head aches from the thought of it. 

  
  


_ Ten had sleepily whined and grumbled as Taeyong shook him. How could he resist? He left him as he was. The night was drunk; he doesn’t think Ten remembers what he said during the night, so he decides he would take the walk down memory lane himself. Perhaps, this is one of those walks you have to take alone.  _

 

_ He walked past the magnificent marble structure, still grand even as time passed; a true art piece. The snow crunches under his feet as he thinks of the long hours in the dance studio, late nights in the music rooms, begging people to demo his songs for him.  _

 

_ Taeyong smiles as he watches his feet sink into the white blanket. He can still remember the day he managed to convince Ten to demo it for him, and he feels like he fell in love all over again; only, at that time he thought it was pure platonic admiration.  _

 

_ Ten’s voice is like honey; the sweetness overflowing as the notes left his lips; he blends and mixes the majors and minors, the diminishes and augments, the sharps and flats, a perfect balance. Taeyong was speechless when Ten finished. He is hardly left speechless; he has very high expectations.  _

 

_ He chuckles quietly as he remembers Ten raising his eyebrow, a nonchalant and curious tone. “How was it, hyung?” His voice, as endearing as ever. A fine line between cheeky and cute, and Ten manages to find some balance between that too.  _

  
  


_ The chuckle dies on his lips and the corners of his mouth drops. His hands freeze in their pockets; and the bubbling warmth he felt, extinguished, and only a cold gust of wind sweeps through him. He watches Ten smile gently at Johnny, his hated nemesis. Okay, maybe not so bad, but close enough.  _

 

_ He watches Ten ask something, and Johnny’s hesitance. He watches Ten lean in. He watches Johnny’s fingers tremble a little as they raise to run tenderly over Ten’s cheeks.  _

 

_ He turns away. A dull ache sits in his chest. It is familiar.  _

  
  


Taeyong is pulled out of his thoughts by the shifting of his blankets. He doesn’t realise that his eyes had managed to shut close again, and perhaps, he was mistaken as still asleep. He hears a sigh, a familiar one. Familiar hands running through his hair. Another sigh leaving the lips. Taeyong can almost _ see _ the look on Ten’s face. 

 

Helplessness, despair. He hopes there’s a little guilt in there. 

 

He gets what he wants. 

 

“I’m sorry.” The words come out in a whisper, a wisp of the wind. 

 

“I keep saying sorry.” He can just visualise Ten’s eyebrows furrowing, his lips wearing a mock smile. 

 

“I keep doing things wrong. Sometimes I wonder if all this is worth it. If whatever  _ you’re _ doing  _ for me _ is worth it. Because I don’t think it is.” The words are slow and soothing, if not for the melancholy dripping off them. 

 

“Why didn’t you let me go when you could? It would be best for you, wouldn’t it? I struggle to understand all the time, how you could put up with someone as problematic as me.” 

 

“But then I realise, I will never understand it. I’m nowhere near as good as you. You’re always so….giving. So selfless. I wish I could be that.” He hears sniffles, and he yearns to open his eyes and run his thumb over the high cheekbones, but he holds back. 

 

“You’ve always been someone I look up to, someone I want to be. I’m always a mess. You’re always so….tidy.” He hears a light giggle, and he bites his cheek to prevent a smile from spreading. 

 

“You know, I heard you. I heard you say you love me. Johnny says you’re the one for me. He says you love me. Doyoung tells me every day, that you love me. Jaehyun gives me these warning looks, because he knows you love me and I could break you.” His heart is caught in his throat, and he waits. 

 

“But _I don’t know_ if I love you. It’s easy to say, you know. Hell, I’ve said it to so many people, but I never actually meant it. The only times I mean it, is when I say it to Jisung, and when I used to say it to Johnny. Look where _that_ ended up.” 

 

The fingers continue to stroke his hair, the soft locks falling between the spaces of Ten’s slender fingers. 

 

“Plus, I’m scared to love you. How do you love someone so perfect? It would never be enough. I would never be enough.” 

 

The fingers pause, and they drop with a soft thud on the bed. He hears another sigh. The person shifts a little, and the soft, cold fingers are back, as they trace the outlines of Taeyong’s face. 

 

He is humming some tune, a gentle melody, probably from the playlist them made together, a collection of light songs, lifting songs. His fingers dance along with the tune, tracing the Taeyong’s lips, before brushing over the multiple piercings. 

 

“You’re so beautiful.” Ten can help but breathe out, the words travelling to Taeyong’s heart. He hopes Ten can’t hear the mayhem in there. 

 

He goes back to humming, soft touches sending tingles down Taeyong’s body. 

 

Somewhere between that and the soft touches, the sleepiness of the slowly rising sun, he falls back into slumber, exhausted. 


	10. Void

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thankyou to everyone for reading thus far! i had some urgent family matters to deal with, so i couldnt update as quickly and promptly. sorry about that! and once again, thankyou for all the kudos and comments; continue to leave them :)
> 
>  
> 
> social media:  
> [tumblr](https://tenecity.tumblr.com/)  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty)  
> [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me)

**_PART II_ **

 

 

 

 

 

When he opens his eyes again, there’s a doctor at the foot of his bed, nurses next to him taking notes and checking charts, whispering in low tones. Doyoung is standing right next to him, arms folded, eyebrows furrowed. There is no Jaehyun or Ten in sight. 

 

He groans as the glaring rays of the sun hit him, and the doctor’s head snaps up. A nurse rushes to his side, and checks the monitor and vitals, before helping him up. The doctor carefully does various checks, before giving a satisfactory hum, scribbling something into his notebook. 

 

He gives Doyoung a nod, before saying a curt, “It looks like everything is alright now. He can get discharged.” And with that, he whisks around, brisk walking out, to check on his other patients. 

 

Taeyong watches him and the nurses file out, feeling a little sorry for them. 

 

“Are you stupid or dumb?” His head snaps at the voice and he immediately regrets it, his head pounding a little. 

 

“What?” He glares at Doyoung. “Is that really the first thing you’re going to say to a person who just woke up from a near death experience?” Doyoung winces at the words and rubs his forehead, sighing. “Well yea, so much for crying a  _ waterfall _ for you.” 

 

Taeyong smiles a little, and Doyoung peeks from under his hands, a small smile finding its way onto his face. 

 

“Sincerely though, you gave us one hell of a scare. Jaehyun was about to have a panic attack, and Ten’s face was so tight, he looked like an old grandma.” Doyoung reaches out for a glass and pours Taeyong some water as he comments. 

 

Taeyong mumbles a ‘thank you’, Doyoung’s words causing him to wonder where those two are, and more importantly, how Jisung was. He feels terrible, for being such a bad father, not thinking at all, during his rage episode, about his son. 

 

“Don’t worry,” Doyoung continues, as if reading his mind. “Donghyuck stayed over for the night to take care of Jisung. Ten went back at 7am to go fetch Jisung to school. He says he’ll come back once he’s sorted out some stuff in the office. Jaehyun went back to the office at 6am, to do some paperwork.” He gives Taeyong a pointed look at this. “You really just blew all your chances away, Lee Taeyong.” 

 

Taeyong glares at the glass of water, fingers clenching the sheets. “I know, you don’t have to remind me and add salt to the wound.” 

 

“And because of what? Because you couldn’t keep your feelings under control?” Doyoung taunts, filling up the glass again.    
  


Taeyong stays mum. 

 

“I don’t know what happened, but I know for  _ sure _ , it has something to do with Ten. And probably something to do with Johnny too.” 

 

Taeyong’s head shoots up. “How do you know?” 

 

Doyoung gives a smirk. “I have my ways.” Taeyong raises his eyebrow, and the other gives a light hearted laugh. 

 

“Ten told me he went to meet Johnny, and I bet you 100% the two of them went to their regular coffee shop, the one just around the corner of the street our university is on. And, don’t forget, I was your roommate for  _ four _ years, and I know just how  _ sentimental _ you can get when you’re going to do big things. So I guessed you went back to the college, and somewhere along the way you saw the two of them. 

 

“That jealous part of you just never seems to go away, huh.” Doyoung says proudly, relishing in his complete geniusness. 

 

Taeyong just sighs. “It’s not just...plain jealousy. They kissed.” 

 

“They what???” Doyoung stares at him wide eyed, mouth hanging open. “What?” 

 

“Yea.” Taeyong says quietly, nails knocking against the glass to produce a dull sound. 

 

“I-why?” Doyoung flabbergastingly stutters out the question Taeyong has been asking himself. 

  
  


“I...Okay, you know what, nevermind  _ why _ , because first of all, Ten’s an adult, he can make his own choices, and we can’t question him. But you can _ , if  _ you had just confessed and dated him, and made him yours, but now, you can’t ask because  _ he doesn’t even belong to you _ , so you, more or less, don’t have the….the  _ right _ to be jealous. Because he is not yours.” 

 

Taeyong just nods pathetically. 

 

“Honest to god, Taeyong, even though I have the raging IQ of 140, and am one of the best managers out there in the corporate world, I can never understand just what kind of  _ strategy _ you are taking on. You have had a crush on him for six,  _ seven _ years, Taeyong. Seven is a long time. Don’t you think it’s time you said  _ something _ ?” Doyoung looks at Taeyong exasperatingly, expecting an immediate answer. 

 

“I can’t just risk our friendship like that.” 

 

Doyoung rolls his eyes. “We all know Ten isn’t the kind of person to do that. The only reason he would ever cut someone out, is because they are toxic, or he loves them too much.” 

 

Taeyong’s heart stops a beat. 

  
  
  


_ The only reason he would ever cut someone out...is because…. he loves them too much? _

 

The world stops spinning for a moment, and reality halts to a stop. The nails stop knocking on to the glass. Doyoung stares at him questionably, but Taeyong hardly notices, the wheels in his brain turning vigorously, fitting the puzzle pieces together.

 

Was he that oblivious? Could it really be?

 

That Ten had wanted to move out, and cut off connections with him, and all that stupid, idiotic,  _ childish _ stuff, because he loves him? But didn’t he just say he  _ doesn’t _ love Taeyong? Taeyong groans again, burying his head in his hands. Could things get any more complicated , honestly? 

 

Doyoung just rolls his eyes at him and turns around, mumbling something about  _ malfunctioning artists  _ and  _ stupid love _ .

  
  
  
  


Ten arrives at the office, in his best suit, leather shoes clicking against the clean floors. He enters his office, pushing past the maghony doors, and heads straight to the bookshelf. 

 

“Sir, I don’t think you have any appointments-” His secretary starts to point out. Ten waves him off. “Today is an emergency. Something important. I must have a word with the Hawthorne.” 

 

He nods as he quickly types information to their correspondent. Ten pulls out a black book, and the bookshelf clicks open. He places the book back, at a 45 degree angle, and the door slides open, revealing an all black small studio. 

 

Complete with a black sofa, the high windows show off the small buildings next to his company, TEN&co, and the beautiful skyline of Seoul. He seats himself comfortably. Looking straight into his eyes through an elaborate, but simple mirror, and straightens his velvet tie, before presses his lips together. He is going to do this. No turning back. 

 

He presses a button, the screen before him lighting to life. 

 

He is immediately connected with their American correspondent, who beams back at him. “Sir.” The counterpart raises his eyebrows in surprise, before finally relaxing them. 

 

“You’ve never contacted us before.” Ten smiles a little, raising his champagne glass that was already prepared for him. The stark coldness almost startles him. “Well, today is your lucky day, Hawthorne.” 

 

“I have been waiting for this day for  _ ages, _ sir. Finally given in?”

 

Ten gives a short laugh. “Perhaps. But of course, at a certain price.”

 

The American laughs, leaning back against his leather chair. 

 

“As always, as cunning as ever. You are our most  _ wanted  _ people in this industry; a rare phoenix is indeed the word to describe you; hard to find, even harder to catch.”

 

“So, of course, if you reached out to us, you would have wanted something in return. And you just know that we would give it to you, don’t you?  _ We want you _ , no matter the cost. 

 

So, what’s the price you propose, sir?”

  
  


Ten smiles. Somehow, he always gets his way. And so, he begins. 

  
  


-

  
  
  


When Taeyong arrives home, only Jisung and Donghyuck are in the living room, playing some video games as they laugh and bicker loudly. Yet somehow, the emptiness and silence of the house, was deafening to Taeyong’s ears. Doyoung calls out the name, but to no avail. 

 

The world stops spinning, and reality halts to a stop. 

 

His heart almost shatters, cracking at the surface. 

 

“What do you mean, ‘Ten is gone’?” Jaehyun says frustratingly into the phone. 

 

“Well yea, he is nowhere to be seen. The kids said that he came back and then left with a suitcase. His room is empty. There is nothing in it, Jae.  _ Nothing _ . Where did he go?” 

 

“How would I know? Call his phone?” Jaehyun’s voice cackles through the phone. 

 

Doyoung’s laptop is open, and his fingers busy typing away as he tries to track down Ten’s phone. His phone is clutched between his shoulder and ear, and seated before him is lost Donghyuck and a Taeyong who can’t stop biting his nails. 

 

Jisung is on his lap, red rimmed eyes and all, when he started to understand the chaos that ensued right in the middle of his mario kart race. 

 

“I tried. But the service is off. I can’t even track his phone, he couldn’t possibly-” 

 

“Dude, all he has to do, is turn off the location, and you can’t track him. Anywhere.” 

 

“Jae, I can. It’s fairly simple. I thought you how to do it, how could you forget?” Doyoung says exasperatingly into the phone, switching the phone to the other side. 

 

“Okay. It just slipped my mind for a bit. Sorry.” 

 

“Damn, just where did he go?” 

 

“Call the office?” 

 

Doyoung’s fingers pause and he slaps his forehead. “You’re a genius, Jae.” 

 

“Thanks, I know.” 

 

Doyoung immediately hangs up and dials for the office. 

 

“Hello, this Mr. Qian of TEN&co.-” 

 

“Yes, yes. Kun, where’s Mr Ten?” 

 

“Ah, Mr Kim.” 

 

“Yea, it’s me. Where’s Ten?” Doyoung repeats. He was trying very hard to be patient, believe it or not.

 

“I am sorry, but Mr Ten has specifically instructed me to not disclose anything of his whereabouts. I apologise.” 

 

“What?” Doyoung’s startled expression, followed by a flash of panic and pain has Taeyong’s teeth to stop nibbling on the torn flesh. He sits bolt upright, staring at Doyoung with such intensity, Doyoung has to push his face away.    
  


“Yes. His exact words were, ‘Don’t tell the bunny anything about today. Tell him not to worry, he’ll get wrinkles on his ugly face if he does.’” He repeats it so innocently, Doyoung almost laughs. 

 

“What? Okay look here, Qian Kun, you may be handsome and sweet, but just let me tell you that I’m your boss so-”

 

“Thank you for the sweet compliment, Mr Kim, but Mr Ten has already approved of my resignation letter, so there is no need for you to put in the extra effort.” 

 

“What?” Doyoung’s jaw drops to the floor. “Why are you resigning?”   
  


“Personal matters. It’s 5pm, sir. The office closes, and that marks the end of my career here at TEN&co. It was a pleasure working with you. Goodbye.” The call ends with endless beeps. 

 

Doyoung stares at the blank screen in shock. It is not until Taeyong is practically shaking and slapping him with the cushions does he start to mutter and explain. 

  
  


The words are the smallest of pebbles, few and wouldn’t mean anything to anyone. 

 

But they break the glass heart, and shatter it. 

 

Because Ten, Ten, the person he loved for seven years now; Ten, the one with the most enticing smile and intricately beautiful features; Ten, who was his happiness for so long; is gone. 


	11. Iktsuarpok

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iktsuarpok (n.)   
> 1\. The feeling of anticipation while waiting for someone to arrive, often leading to intermittently going outside to check for them.   
> Latin script form: ᐃᒃᑦᓱᐊᕐᐳᒃ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> from the inuit language. how yall been doing???? i feel a little disconnected from this fic (mainly because i write this much much earlier on which is why i have tOO MUCH TIME TO DO OTHER SHIT EG WRITE OTHER FICS DHSJDSLDJH SORRY) anyways yeappp christmas is around the corner im so excited sjlakjhsd 
> 
> also, im on hol (again) to thailand this time!! next week. so updates may be a little slow.....which means?
> 
> watch me die as kim doyoung ruins my nice bias list on [tumblr](https://tenecity.tumblr.com/) and [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty)
> 
> alternatively, scream at me on [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me)

**_Four years later_ **

 

Lights filter in and someone is screaming in his ear. Taeyong rubs his eyes blearily and opens an eye tentatively. Jisung sighs and screams a “Finally, dad!”, and then he proceeds to clamber on him. 

 

Taeyong smiles affectionately, ruffling the boy’s hair before groaning as he sits up, dragging himself and the forever energetic boy to the bathroom to wash up. 

 

“Did you study for today’s test?” Taeyong asks as he watches the other gobble up another piece of toast. He has no idea if puberty was supposed to hit at such a young age, but at 9, Jisung was eating like a giant, never stopping once to think about if he could actually digest everything. 

 

“Uhmmm.” The small boy manages to mumble out. Actually, not so small anymore. The markings on the door have been going up month by month, the increase between two consecutive ones getting bigger and bigger. 

  
  


“Morning.” Donghyuck says sleepily as he yawns, rubbing his eyes as he plonks down into a seat next to Jisung. 

 

“What time did you sleep last night?” Taeyong narrows his eyes at the boy who just sheepishly looks at him. “2am.” 

 

Taeyong sighs as he clears the plates, Jisung bouncing past him to lace up his shoes. “What did I tell you about sleeping late?” 

 

“Sorry.” 

 

“Yea, yea. Hurry up and wash up. I’m sending you both at the same time again.” Donghyuck throws an ‘okay’ gesture, speedily washing up and throwing on a fresh shirt, already out in the door in less than 2 beats. 

  
  
  


Donghyuck takes the front seat, sticking his tongue out at Jisung who pouts and grudgingly takes the back seat. Again.

 

“Are we going to do demos today?” 

 

“Yea. I’m getting a vocal trainer, Moon Taeil, to come teach you. Lessons from 9am to 12pm, lunch, then Doyoung will have someone to pick you up for dance practices till 6pm. I’ll pick you up from there.” 

 

Donghyuck nods, mentally noting the schedule. 

 

They drop Jisung off, who doesn’t even look back to say bye, already chattering noisily with his classmates, and then they both make their way to their company to start work. 

 

To say that the company, TYACKE has grown, would almost be an understatement. The company has grown from just a floor in a rented building, to now an entire, 4 storey building, with the best technology and talents from all around the globe. 

 

They hold the largest shares in the music industry, and have been exponentially growing ever since the groundbreaking collaboration with Western artists from the Apple deal. It was a breakthrough for Asians and for South Korea especially, paving the way for local artists to easily weave into the American market. 

 

Taeyong nods along the way to his office, accepting the ninety degree bows from his workers. Donghyuck mockingly bows back, earning a few affectionate glares and flicks on the forehead. Taeyong rolls his eyes and wonders again, just  _ why _ he practically adopted the boy. 

 

But then he remembers, and then decides to stop complaining. 

 

“Good morning, Mr Lee.” A chorus rings out as he steps into the fourth floor,  _ his _ floor. He gives them a smile and nod, before cooly walking into his private office. 

  
  


Jaehyun looks up from his desk and mockingly greets as well, earning a grin from Taeyong. “Good morning to you too, Jaehyun.” He says as he slides out his laptop and sits in his leather chair, cracking his neck as he gets ready for some good old paperwork. 

 

“Alright, I’ve got no good news, and lots of bad news.” Taeyong raises his eyebrows as he puts on his glasses. His eyesight got gradually worse with the uprising success of his company. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork.

 

“Taeyong.” 

 

Taeyong raises his eyebrows again and hums, eyes not leaving the laptop as his fingers rapidly begin typing. 

 

“Taeyong, this is actually pretty serious.”   
  


Taeyong sighs and rolls his eyes, still not completely convinced. “What’s wrong? Doyoung, the company, or the stupid computer game you’re playing?”   
  


Jaehyun gives a light laugh. “Doyoung’s good, a little sore-” 

 

Taeyong closes his eyes and places his hands over his ears frantically. “Please, no more.” 

 

Jaehyun chuckles. “The company’s fine, got a meeting or two today. I’ve sent you the schedule.” Taeyong nods in reply as he opens the recently send email. “And the computer game is not stupid, it actually helps me understand more about the whole cyber security, which, for your information, is what keeps this company together.” Taeyong rolls his eyes again. 

  
  


“Johnny’s coming back.”

  
  
  


The typing stops, and Taeyong takes a deep breath. “Oh?” He tries to steady his voice, but to no avail. The mere name Johnny brings back painful memories, and a constant reminder of Ten. 

  
  


These past four years have been hard on Taeyong, to say the least. He missed the other  _ badly, _ and not even knowing where the other is, not knowing if he’s doing okay, if he’s fallen back into old habits, if he needs comfort and protection; and it hurts like shards of glass in his skin. A pain he has to deal with everyday. 

 

He has tried, he, Doyoung and Jaehyun, to find the other. It was like the puzzle pieces trying to find the last piece to complete them. But trying to find a person, without knowing anything about their whereabouts, and having the last person in contact with them, Mr Qian Kun, pretty much also  _ vanish _ from the face of the earth, is like finding a needle in the haystack, when there wasn’t even a  _ needle _ in the first place. It was impossible. 

 

His disappearance shook the industry, the fans shocked, startled and confused. Strangely though, it never alerted the police, and the police never issued a statement or anything. They tried to file a missing person report, but to no avail, the police simply stating that it was  _ invalid _ . What the hell does invalid even  _ mean _ ? But nonetheless, the legal side of things couldn’t help them sieve out much, leaving them to return to square one. 

 

It still hurts a little, a burden Taeyong has learnt to carry, a constant worry that has caused permanent worry lines on his otherwise smooth forehead. But he has learnt to move on. Maybe, just maybe, as Doyoung had, unfiltered, and sharply pointed out, that maybe it was time to move on. 

 

Ten remains a constant thought, but Taeyong’s world no longer revolves around him. No more movie dates, though they still had ‘family bonding friday!’, no more cuddles in bed, no more late nights of deep thought. Taeyong even tried out a couple of blind dates, so there was definitely some improvement there. 

 

But the mere name ‘Johnny’, brought back the bittersweetness of longing, and Taeyong wishes Jaehyun didn’t even tell him at all. 

 

“Wait, why is Doyoung even in  _ contact _ with that idiot?” Taeyong narrows his eyes at Jaehyun. 

 

“I don’t know. I mean, he was still our college friend, although some things happened along the way. Still a friend, after all.” Jaehyun says carefully. 

 

“Right.” Taeyong says as he runs his fingers through his hair. 

 

“So….are you going to come with us to pick him up?” Jaehyun asks cautiously, afraid to ruffle the feathers. 

 

Taeyong lets out a deep sigh, before looking back at his accounting, clicking the print notification. “Yea, sure, whatever. Let’s just get this meeting rolling and started.”    
  


Jaehyun grins and collects his files, practically skipping out of the room. Taeyong smiles a little, as he collects the freshly printed paper.

  
  
  
  


Jaehyun excuses himself as soon as the clock strikes 11am. “Lunch appointment.” He claims and Taeyong rolls his eyes. “You can just say, yea, I’m cutting work short for the morning shift because I want to meet up with my  _ boyfriend.  _ “ 

 

“And what boss would accept that excuse?” Jaehyun retorts as he straightens his tie. “Do I look good?” 

 

Taeyong sighs, taking off his spectacles. “Doyoung loves you either way, you really needn’t look that neat.” 

 

Jaehyun shrugs. “You can’t just stop impressing your partner, you know. Plus, I like it when he praises me for my outfit.” 

 

“Do you have a praise kink?” Taeyong questions without thought, but seeing the smirk on Jaehyun’s lips, he quickly takes back his words. “Never mind. I don’t want to know. Just  _ go _ , will you?” 

 

Jaehyun laughs, picking up his phone from the desk, heading for the door. “You’re unbelievably shy about these kind of things. Bye Yongie, remember to eat your lunch, okay! Oh, and send our regards to Ten’s mum.” 

 

Taeyong nods, and rolls his eyes as he watches the other stroll out, a grin on his face. 

 

He dials the Thai number, and stands up, hands out his hips while he looks as the skyline, waiting patiently for the other to pick up. 

 

“Auntie.” 

 

“Taeyong!” 

 

Ten’s mother’s Korean wasn’t necessarily the best, but she tried, and Taeyong tried as well, diligently learning Thai every other night, just so their communication and understanding will be easier. 

 

When Ten disappeared, he had called her to inform her quietly, before the media got wind of it. She had every right to know, and being informed about such an important thing, certainly shouldn’t have been done by the media. 

 

Ever since then, they called frequently, just to support and be there for each other, because it seems like the pain could  _ only _ be understood by the two of them. Taeyong found much comfort in her, someone who was older, someone who was a mother. She knew what to do, and despite her own pain, she helped Taeyong to get through his, and they became very close.

 

They knew each other since before, during the college days, when Taeyong was extremely jealous of Ten’s close-knitted family. Despite the distance, they maintained a close relationship, and Ten’s parents supported him no matter what. They were particularly grateful to Taeyong then, for helping Ten through the first few tough years, and had thus created some kind of a bond, which they now deepened. 

  
  


“How’s your work?” She asks in simple Korean. She was enthusiastic about everything Taeyong did, praising him, encouraging him, giving him advice when he was at crossroads for his business. 

 

She felt like  _ his  _ mother, more than his biological one. 

 

“How’s Jisung?” She never fails to ask that question, because she loved the boy every much as Ten did, even though they weren’t remotely related. When she came to Korea for legal matters when Ten had disappeared, she had stayed with them for a little while. 

 

Jisung had immediately taken a liking to her, and loved her just as much as she did. They clicked well, despite the age gap. It was like an invisible thread, tying them together. Very often, Taeyong found Jisung playing with her rings and listening to her sing soft, warm Thai songs of loss, while he curled up in her lap, her hands weaving through Jisung’s mess of locks. 

 

There was just something about her that was enticing and welcoming; like you could be strangers with her, and yet completely trust her with your life. She was warm, she was friendly, she was safe. She felt like home, and Taeyong felt eternally grateful that she never blamed him for not taking care of Ten properly, for allowing him to disappear into thin air just like that.  

 

She merely stated, “It’s not your fault, darling. Accidents happen. And it will never be your fault. It’s okay. We’ll find him. We always do.” He doesn’t think he has ever cried so hard while talking to someone on the phone. 

  
  


And always, always, she will ask the same question. “How are you?” His well being became her concern as well, treating him with care and genuine love, like a mother to her son. 

 

He had mildly suspected that she knows he loves Ten, even though he had never openly said it to her. She had a motherly instinct, and had confessed to him that she had always wished Ten dated him, instead of Johnny, in which he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. 

  
  


She hums as Taeyong puts his words in broken Korean, Thai and English. In turn, she shares a little of her life too, how she’s doing, how’s Ten sister’s doing, etc etc. It was a time to just reconnect and recharge for Taeyong, a refresher amidst all the accounts and paperwork. 

 

“Okay. Remember to eat, my dear. When you come visit Thailand again, I will cook every Thai dish I know.” He grins, thinking of the annual year end trip to Thailand. He loves it there. The chaos, the authenticity, the bustling of life; there was something beautiful in the mayhem, very much like the beauty in Ten. 

 

“Okay. Thank you.” 

 

“I love you, Taeyong. Take care. Bye!” She says enthusiastically. 

 

“I love you too. Thank you so much. Bye bye.” 

  
  
  
  


It’s been a hard four years, no doubt about that. Four years filled with conflicting emotions, ranging from guilt to frustration, hurt, anger, longing, and sorrow. A whole spectrum of emotions, and somewhere in between that, he had miraculously found a new home. Him, Jisung, Donghyuck, Jaehyun, Doyoung, Ten’s mother. 

 

But there was always a missing piece. 

  
  


Taeyong stares at the tall buildings and the awkward lifts and drops in height, a feeling of warmth seeping into his being, a very familiar twist in his heart.

  
  
  


The clock strikes 12:12pm. 

 

He makes a wish. 

  
  
  


And he wishes, for the nth time, that Ten be found. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my hiraeth chapters are unbelievably short :(


	12. Light

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When things come to light, a veil is torn down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as you can see, i have run out of words ajsdkhasjdha  
> sorry for the late update!!! i was overseas last weekend
> 
> anywaysssss hope you guys enjoy this rather short chapter (i'm sorry!!) also, i've heard is finals for college students or smth?? sooo all the best! drinks lots of coffee and water; you can do this!

The door clicks open and Taeyong finds himself trapped in a hug from Jisung. He laughs and ruffles the boy’s hair, pressing a quick kiss on his forehead. Donghyuck rolls his eyes are the boy, pushing his forehead slightly, giving a small smile as he drops his bag and  slips into a seat at the dinner table, eyes already on his phone. 

 

A head pops out from the kitchen and Doyoung rolls his eyes. “Honest to god, everyday you say you’re going to cook, then you call in an hour before dinner, expecting me to be a fairy god mother and spin up something by the time you get home. Jisung has been whining my ear off-” His complains are cut short as Jaehyun presses a laughing kiss into his lips, shutting him up. 

 

Taeyong cringes at the sight, ignoring the dull ache in his chest. “Please keep your kisses to your bedroom. Jisung is way too young for this.” Jaehyun breaks away, laughing again as he presses another kiss at the edge of Doyoung’s jaw. “Well, you seem to be the only one fazed by it.” He says, nodding at Jisung, who doesn’t seem to care less, going back to staring at his ipad, watching some dance videos. 

 

Jisung, albeit not Taeyong’s, has Taeyong’s gift for dance and music, and was, Taeyong would proudly admit, quite good at it. Taeyong had him enrolled in Doyoung’s dance academy last year, to professionally learn and train. 

 

But one thing is for sure, and a part that even Doyoung and Jaehyun had admitted to observe, that there will always be some part of Ten that would linger in this household. Jisung’s amazing capacity to learn simply by watching was certainly not from Taeyong, who had to spend hours on learning when he first picked up the art. 

 

The part that stabbed Taeyong in the gut, was when Jisung had casually explained, that it was Ten, who had taught him how to learn from videos, how to capture every single detail in a matter of seconds. When Taeyong commented that he never saw Jisung and Ten doing that, Jisung had simply replied, “It was on Saturdays, dad. You were always in the studios on Saturdays last time, so you of course, you never saw.” 

  
  
  


Doyoung places down a few plates of dishes as Taeyong walks in, fresh out of the shower. Jaehyun is laughing at something Doyoung had said, and Donghyuck and Jisung were bickering as usual, light banter. Warmth spreads in Taeyong’s body as he sits at the head of the table. 

 

It is only when he picks up his chopsticks does everyone start eating, Jisung and Donghyuck somehow diving for the same shrimp and start fighting again. Taeyong rolls his eyes and raps their chopsticks, reprimanding them on table manners. 

 

They continue light chatter, until Doyoung brings it up. 

 

“Johnny’s coming back.” 

 

“Yea, I know. Jaehyun told me.” 

 

“He’s coming back from LA.” Doyoung says carefully, eyes still on the food as he passes Donghyuck some vegetables with a stern stare. Donghyuck pouts and accepts it. 

 

“And?” 

 

“Ten was said to be last seen in LA.” Doyoung mumbles.

 

“So?” Taeyong says this a little too harshly, dropping his chopsticks on to the bowl, sighing as he crosses his arms. 

 

“Um...so….” 

 

“Dongyoung….. What are you getting at, love?” Jaehyun says gently. Doyoung swallows as Taeyong sends daggers at him.

 

They all know that Ten shouldn’t be mentioned in front of Taeyong. It is almost too much to bear. They’re acting like he’s dead, when he’s not (God knows, honestly), but Taeyong is just so sensitive about these kind of things. So it’s an unspoken rule to never speak of Ten, especially at the dining table. 

 

“Okay, okay. I just...I received an email today.” Doyoung reveals slowly, toying with his chopsticks, tracing the designs on it. 

 

“What email?” Jaehyun asks softly, putting his chopsticks down. 

 

Doyoung takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes. “Ten’s coming back.” 

 

“What?” 

 

“Yea. That Mr. Qian ?  _ Apparently _ he went to the States with him, and they have been working with this company called MUSEic. You know, Ten transferred everything to me back then, and had changed the company name to GLASS right? Well yea, so now he’s coming back, and she requested for a meeting. Facetime though. Ten wants to talk about the company, shares, and about what’s going to happen when he comes back.” 

 

Taeyong just listens to all this flabbergasted. “That’s how he’s going to contact us again? Contact you again? He didn’t even ask about  _ us _ ? It’s all just business? Damn, bloody hell, how terrible can he get? He leaves his friends without a word, shakes the entire Korea, and now he’s looking for reconciliation during a business meeting?” Taeyong bursts out, heat rising. It was ridiculous, no doubt. 

 

Donghyuck and Jisung stares at the three adults, mortified. 

 

Jaehyun closes his eyes and then breathes out a deep sigh. “Taeyong, not here in front of the kids please.” 

 

Taeyong bites his lips, intense eyes burning through Doyoung. “What else was in the email?”

 

“No-nothing.” Doyoung says as he wrings his hands. 

 

“Kim Dongyoung, I swear-”    
  


“Okay, okay. You know the 5 million won I get every month? I get notified by email once I receive it. It’s the same email. The one Ten is apparently using.” 

 

Taeyong sucks in a breath. “What? Wait, show me the email. Now.” 

  
  
  


_ To:  _ _ kimdongyoung _ [ _ @glassentertainment.com _ ](mailto:GLASSent@gmail.com)

_ From:  _ _ MUSEic _ [ _ entbranchT@MUSEic.com _ ](mailto:SONYentbranchT@songmusic.com)

_ Date: 10th November 2018 _

_ Subject: GLASS entertainment meeting _

 

_ Dear MR. KIM,  _

 

_ Good afternoon, MR. KIM DONGYOUNG, CEO of GLASS entertainment of Korea. I am Mr Qian Kun, secretary of MR. CHITTAPHON LEECHAIYAPORNKUL, TEN. On behalf of Mr. Ten, I will like to propose a meeting on the 17th of July 2018, at 3.45pm, KST.  _

 

_ Mr. Ten will return to South Korea by the end of this year, although we are still unsure of the actual dates. However, we are planning for his future plans as he resettles in Korea. This has not been announced to the public, and thus, we would like to seek your understanding on keeping this meeting and information confidential.  _

 

_ As you are aware, 2 years ago, Mr. Ten transferred the company, the shares and the funds to you, and therefore GLASS entertainment is not his. He would like to have this meeting to draft up on the how he would like to collaborate and integrate into the company again, but of course with your consent. He is aware that it is unfair to simply ask for an ownership to the company, and would like to look into working for the company instead.  _

 

_ His resume is attached to this email. _

 

_ He requests for the meeting to be done as quickly as possible to at least outline the skeleton of his future plans. He is planning a conference, and would like to announce the very least of his plans to the public. _

 

_ I understand you may have more questions to ask, but Mr. Ten would prefer if you ask them to him personally during the meeting. He highly advises you not to speak to MR. JUNG JAEHYUN and MR. LEE TAEYONG on this matter. He would like to speak to you, and you alone, first. We seek your kind understanding.  _

 

_ For further contact, or if you would like to speak to Mr. Ten personally, his email is:  _ _ thefoínix _ [ _ @gmail.com _ ](mailto:Unnamedgoldenboy@MUSEic.com) _. This email address is not shared with other companies, other entertainment singers, or anyone in the industry, unless requested from Ten himself. Legal action will be taken, should this address be made public, or circulated within the industry. We kindly ask for your consideration for confidentiality.  _

 

_ Thank you, and we would appreciate your consent and agreement.  _

  
  


_ Regards,  _

_ MR QIAN KUN _

_ DIRECTOR OF Foreign Branch MUSEic Entertainment America _

_ SECRETARY OF High Profile Producer, UNNAMED _

  
  
  
  


Taeyong bites his lips and a moment of silence stretches across the table. 

 

Doyoung opens another email wordlessly. 

  
  
  
  


_ To: kimdoyoung _ [ _ @glassentertainment.com _ ](mailto:GLASSent@gmail.com)

_ From:  _ _ service@paypal.com _

_ Date: 1st July 2018  _

_ Subject: Wire Transference _

 

_ Dear Paypal user,  _

 

_ This emails confirms you have received a total of 5 000 000 won from UNNAMED via Paypal.  _

 

_ Reversals: This method of payment can not be reversed.  _

_ Status: Pending. The payment should be received in a few days. If it is not, contact us through our website.  _

 

_ Details of this pending transaction below.  _

 

_ Summary of this invoice: _

_ Sent from: UNNAMED  _ _ thefoínix _ [ _ @gmail.com _ ](mailto:Unnamedgoldenboy@MUSEic.com)

_ Sent to: KIM DONGYOUNG  _ _ kimdongyoung _ [ _ @glassentertainment.com _ ](mailto:GLASSent@glassentertainment.com)

_ Transaction: ID9G128373XM234755A _

_ Service: International  _

 

_ Sincerely,  _

 

_ Member service  _

 

[ _ www.paypal.com _ ](http://www.paypal.com)

  
  
  


Taeyong stares at the email address.

 

“What does that even mean?” Donghyuck points at the email address, having taken a peek at the email. Doyoung sends him a warning look and quickly closes the laptop. But, he still explains it to Donghyuck. The thirst for knowledge is always a good thing. 

 

“ Foínix is Phoenix in Greek-” 

 

“You have  _ got  _ to be kidding me.” Jaehyun says, jaw dropping, eyes wide at Doyoung. 

 

“What? I’m not.” Doyoung says, mildly offended as he crosses his arms.

 

“The Phoenix. The Phoenix Devil, or otherwise known as the Velvet Boy. He’s an American choreographer and music producer. If I remember correctly, the moment he released his first single, everyone fell in love and it was a major hit. The most interesting thing about him, and perhaps what entices everyone, is that  _ he has never shown his face before _ . In fact, it is rumoured that he has never gone out in public before, unless with disguises. 

 

“The mystery surrounding him, and the pure talent he has, makes him the talk of town for  _ weeks. _ There is a lot of rumours surrounding him and it’s basically an understatement to say that  _ he is taking the industry by the storm _ .” Jaehyun rapidly explains. 

 

“Wouldn’t people recognise his voice?” Doyoung comments. 

 

“Well, there’s been a couple of rumours, but MUSEic has shut them all down. They’ve even taken legal action against some particularly intrusive fans who actually went to his house to get a picture of him. Ever since then, it was said that he bought a few more houses, and rotates between them regularly.” 

 

Taeyong bites his lips, his teeth cutting the tender flesh. His brain is whirling with the information, and he breathes out slowly, closing his eyes as he holds himself together.  _ Enough _ . He doesn’t want to hear anymore of this. 

 

“Okay. Stop. Don’t talk about this anymore, please.” Taeyong says, eyes fluttering open, a hard look in them. The entire table looks surprised at the commanding tone, and Doyoung’s mouth closes as he looks down back at his food, picking at the shrimp. 

 

Donghyuck shrugs and swallows more rice, finishing his food in seconds, eyes on the phone as he waves a goodnight to them, the door shutting as he goes back to his room. The three adults and Jisung continue their dinner in silence, no one quite knowing what to say, or what to  _ think _ of this new found information. 

 

Jisung finishes his food, and asks to be excused from the table. Taeyong merely nods his head. Jisung places his bowl in the sink, and silently washes it. The frown on his face as Taeyong’s stomach turning. 

 

“Jisung, is something wrong?” 

 

Jisung pouts a little, his heads dropping as the water flows over the curve of his wrists. 

 

“Dad? Can I ask one question? I won’t ask again, after this, I promise.” 

 

Taeyong drops a hand under the table, red crescents forming on the inside of his palm. He forces a smile on his face, and says, in the gentlest way possible. “Of course you can.” 

  
  


“Is that why Ten hyung left? Because...because he wanted to get more money in America?” 

 

In the childish and innocent tone of Jisung, with his eyes wide, and yet the pain so obvious in his eyes, Taeyong’s heart aches for his son, and there is nothing more than wanting to strangle Ten at this moment. 

 

“I...I don’t know, sweetie. Maybe. I….I don’t know.” Taeyong is speechless for once, without a ready answer. Usually, he can answer any question Jisung has, but this one, he has not a single clue. 

 

Jisung sighs, and goes back to washing his bowl. He places it on the drying rack and dries his hands, walking over to the dining table to go to his room. He stops just a few feet away from the corridor, and turns around. 

 

“Dad?” 

 

Taeyong hums in reply. 

 

“Is Ten hyung really coming back?” 

 

“I...It seems possible, sweetie.” 

 

Jisung pauses for a moment, shifting his weight. “Will he still stay with us? Or…..does Ten hyung still remember me?” 

 

The nails are practically embedded in his palms by now, and Taeyong forces out a smile. “Of course he remembers you, Jisung. Of course he does.” 

  
  
  
  
  


“Did you even hear that? God damn, bloody  _ hell _ , Jaehyun. How much did he screw us over?” Taeyong says as he stands at the doorway, sending the other two of. He runs his fingers through his hair. 

 

“You have no idea how worried Jisung is  _ all _ the time, saying that Ten is going to forget him. Somewhere in his brain, Jisung thinks Ten left  _ because _ of him. He screwed us all over. He screwed us all. It is at times like this that _ I hate him so much _ . Do you have any idea how hard it is to love someone,  _ and _ hate them at the same time. God, I really want to strangle him.” 

 

“Taeyong, I completely understand. I don’t think...you need to go to that extreme. But, I get it. Even I am a little angry right now. He left us to go to America to work, earn billions, and just abandoned all of us? I can’t believe it.” Jaehyun says carefully. Doyoung shakes his head. 

 

“Come on, he’s Ten. He must have had his reasons.” Doyoung reasons. 

 

“So what if he had his reasons? He didn’t even tell us, give us a warning. He just  _ left _ .” Taeyong says, shaking his head. “I can’t- “ He rubs his palms over his eyes. “He is really going to get it from me, when he comes back.” 

 

Doyoung merely shakes his head. He whispers a soft goodbye, and then turns on his heel, Jaehyun right after him. 

  
  


A sour feeling spreads through Taeyong’s stomach throughout the night, and he tosses and turns, but nothing he does, not the number of sheep, or the soft melodies of his playlist, can push him into slumber. He groans, and with fingers rubbing circles on his temples, he gets his computer and starts searching on The Phoenix. 

 

It is somewhere in reading an article breaking down the analysis of a recent rumour, narrowing the identity of the Phoenix down to an Asian ethnicity, does he realise what he’s doing, and curses under his breath and shaking his head. 

 

He has better things to do. His world doesn’t revolve around Ten. It doesn’t, it shouldn’t, and it never will again. 

  
  
  


-

 

“How did the meeting go?” Jaehyun asks, as he sets his can of beer on the coffee table. The kids are already fast asleep, and the three adults are sharing some alcohol to relax at the end of another tense week of work. 

 

“Fairly well. He hasn’t change a bit.” Doyoung says softly, taking a few sips from the can Jaehyun drank from. 

 

“He’s a lot more mature. From the way he speaks, to the way he holds himself….not the same, small, vulnerable, glass Ten we saw two years ago.” Jaehyun hums softly as he presses his lips against Doyoung’s, the alcohol seeping into his veins, making the cheap beer lingering on Doyoung’s lips, seem sweet. 

 

“But he’s still the same, old Ten. Still can crack jokes, still teasing. We talked for  _ hours _ , after the actual meeting. It was like we were never apart.” 

 

“What did he say?” Taeyong says forlornly and cringes as he watches the two share another kiss. He hates being the third wheel. He wishes he wasn’t allergic to alcohol. He would love to get wasted now. 

 

“Hmm...just stuff about America, who he’s work with, how he’s doing. And surprise, surprise, guess who is his secretary?” Doyoung slurs as he takes another big gulp of beer, draining the can as Jaehyun opens another one. 

 

“Qian Kun?” 

 

“Dang, dang. It’s Johnny.” 

 

“What?” 

 

“Yea. The Qian Kun’s staying in America. He got a promotion and his contract’s longer. And then apparently, Johnny had a fall out with his father a year ago. So, jobless, he applied for the job and got it. He’s coming back with Ten. That jerk knew all along, and was just teasing all of us.” 

 

Taeyong swallows hard. “When are they coming back?” 

 

“End of the year. November. Didn’t say the dates.”

 

Taeyong hums, drinking the last of drops of his non alcoholic apple juice. 

 

“They’re not in a relationship, if that’s what you want to ask.” Doyoung manages to say out, just as Jaehyun nuzzles against his neck, nipping the skin there. 

 

“I wasn’t going to ask.” 

 

“But...Jaehyun, wait. But you could have  _ wanted _ to. I know you’re dying to know.” Doyoung breathes out, head rolling back. 

 

Taeyong just sighs, and gets up. “I am not dying to know. And I don’t  _ want _ to know.” He stares at the hickey blooming on Doyoung’s skin. “Just don’t be too loud, or go home, please.” He rubs his temples and walks away, not hearing the reply. 

  
  
  


He stares at his moonlit ceiling as his back hits the soft mattress. 

 

It would be in the afternoon, now in LA. He wonders what Ten is doing. 

 

Today is one of those days, where he misses Ten so much. He worries for the younger. As much as Doyoung claims that Ten is more mature, stronger now, he still can’t quite picture it. 

 

Because he is afraid that Johnny would take advantage of the younger. He’s afraid Ten got marks on his skin as Doyoung was getting in the living room. He’s afraid to know about what Ten did these last two years. He is afraid to know that Ten, perhaps, just perhaps, has replaced him with someone else. A new best friend. A new roommate. A new partner. 

 

Taeyong realises he has got a lot of fears. And they are all related to Ten. He wonders if that is healthy or not. It probably isn’t. 

 

He hates himself for feeling this way. It is always like this. Some days, he wants nothing other than to strangle the other and scream at him for the pain he has put everyone through, the worry, the chaos. And then some days are like today, he wants nothing other than to pull Ten in his arms, soft kisses as snores echo; or for Ten to run his fingers through his hair again, and have those light, fleeting touches, gloss over his skin. 

 

He groans, pressing his face into the pillow. He hates this so much. He swears he tries hard to grow out of Ten; he’s nearing thirty already for god’s sake, and he is still lovestruck on that  _ one  _ crush he had in college. 

  
  
  


A dull ache sets in his chest. It is familiar. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on [tumblr](https://tenecity.tumblr.com/) or [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty)  
> and ask me questions/suggestions/share with me your thoughts on this on [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me)


	13. Thin Ice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thankyou for your kudos and comments!! im a little out of touch with this universe because i have my royals!au one going so....it's a little disorientating but anyhow, hope you guys enjoy this update! 
> 
> find me on [tumblr](https://tenecity.tumblr.com/) [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty)

The first thing Taeyong notices as he steps into the building, is the murmurs. They all greet him, but with careful and caution, as if they were threading on thin ice. 

 

He frowns, but says nothing. Donghyuck seems unfazed though, going into his class with a bounce in his step. Very unlike the usual moody teenager he was. 

 

“What’s got you so happy today?” Taeyong asks in amusement as Donghyuck smiles at his phone, turning it off as soon as Taeyong leans over to try and get a peek, bouncing away. “Oh, it’s nothing. Just a good day. Wonderful day. I love today.” Donghyuck is practically beaming by now, and Taeyong is honestly a little freaked out at the abnormality. 

 

“Well whatever you say, kid. See you later.” Taeyong drops him off at his class, making his way to his office. The same chorus echoes through the floor as they greet him, but none pay much attention to him, immediately going to back to crowding around this one person’s desk, murmuring, murmuring, murmuring. 

 

“What’s going on with them? What’s the excitement all about?” Taeyong asks Jaehyun curiously, as he takes out the paperwork, and clicks his pen, scanning through the invoice details. His head is already starting to ache; he hates finance. He’d much prefer to just hole up in the studio and write lyrics after lyrics, but he can’t, because he’s the CEO, and duty calls and he answers. 

 

“Didn’t you hear? Ten officially made an announcement that he will be back in Korea next week. SNS is blowing up.” Jaehyun answers nonchalantly. 

 

“He’s having a conference. Doyoung’s going to be there; as a part of their panel.” 

 

“Oh?” 

 

“Yea. Doyoung gave him a contract.” Jaehyun eyes Taeyong from his desk. The other is staring into blank space, a cool, hard look on his face. 

 

“What, are you angry?” 

 

“Why did Doyoung give him a contract? Just because of friendship, which, by the way, Ten practically threw out of the window when he went to America?” Today was one of those days where he felt particularly snarky, wanting to strangle Ten. 

  
  


Jisung’s teacher had called him yesterday, praising Jisung for his model essay, saying that she has never seen such maturity from a nine year old. When Jisung came back with the triumphant smile and radiant look, Taeyong was happy and proud. But the moment he read the answer, he almost crumpled it and flung it out of the window. 

 

Did the teacher completely miss the point of the essay, or did she just conveniently ignore the fact that this was the most heartbreaking thing ever? 

 

“What, dad? Is it bad?” Jisung asked, when he saw a look of fury pass over Taeyong’s face. 

 

“No. It’s not bad. But...I just want to know. Why did you write this?” Taeyong asks, it the calmest manner possible. 

 

“Because I really, really wished for Ten to come back during my birthday. And it came true! I was just telling the truth! Is it….bad?” Jisung starts to frown and wring his hands.

 

“No. It’s not bad. I just….nevermind.” He rubs his temples again for the nth time these past two weeks. For a reason he simply cannot pinpoint, he absolutely hates it whenever Jisung brings up Ten, or blatantly shows how much he misses Ten. Maybe because it is a reflection of his own feelings, or maybe because Ten has weaved so intricately into their lives, Taeyong will probably  _ never _ grow out of him, as much as he wanted to. 

  
  


“Taeyong, please don’t say that.” Jaehyun’s huff of annoyance and tinge of hurt pulls Taeyong out from his heated emotions. 

 

“Don’t warp Ten into something he’s not. Please. Dongyoung hates this. He hates that you keep accusing Ten of things, when you don’t even know what really happened.” 

 

“Oh, and does Doyoung know?” Taeyong hufs in exasperation, crossing his arms. 

 

“I...I don’t know. Ever since the talk he had with Ten, they’ve been texting each other a lot. Like a lot. They’ve talked about a lot of things, which I have no clue about. He refuses to tell me what they talk about, no matter how hard I try. And he’s forgiven him. 

 

“More importantly, you know how Doyoung is. He hates to see us all torn apart-” 

 

“Well yea, if Ten didn’t leave so abruptly, maybe,  _ just _ maybe, we wouldn’t  _ be _ torn apart.” Jaehyun rolls his eyes at the sarcastic tone. 

  
“Don’t be petty, Taeyong. The main thing is that he is coming back. The person we thought disappeared, without a trace, someone we thought was just going to be a  _ memory _ , is back. It’s something Taeyong. It’s something.” Jaehyun says softly, his fingers unconsciously tracing over the frame of a photo of the four of them. 

 

Taeyong just grits his teeth. “Maybe.” He says, unsure. 

 

He hates Ten; and yet he loves him so much. 

 

And somewhere in between those two extreme feelings, his pride is preventing him from just welcoming the other with open arms. 

 

To be honest, he has every right to be angry with Ten. The other just abandoned them, without hesitance or a single doubt. He didn’t even  _ bother _ to contact them. That’s probably the worst part. That Ten didn’t even bother to contact them, he didn’t seem to care the  _ least _ , of how it would affect anyone else, besides himself. It was selfish, and Taeyong hates selfish people the most. 

 

Yet, a small voice in Taeyong’s mind rings Doyoung’s soft words, that Ten probably has his reasons. Taeyong should try and listen to out to him and then maybe make a decision. Maybe. 

  
  
  


-

  
  
  


Everyone was watching it. God, even SBS had Ten’s managers channel his live to their stream, so they could stream his conference live for their viewers. Literally, it was as if the world stopped. Everyone outside the office, no matter how discreet they tried to be, were obviously tuning in to Ten’s website, watching the live broadcast. Taeyong almost rolls his eyes. It’s not that big of a deal,  _ honestly _ . But Ten is Ten, and no matter what he does, or where he goes, he commands attention. 

 

He sits next to Jaehyun, who is watching the broadcast very intently; mainly because Doyoung is also on the panel, and Jaehyun is having a slight panic attack, worried for his boyfriend and the amount of media coverage and attention this is getting. 

 

It seems to be hundreds of cameras flashing and a thousand of reporters shouting, all crowded in a small room. While the rest of the panel, which includes Johnny, his manager, Doyoung, and another subordinate, seem rather bothered and uncomfortable with the constant flashing lights, Ten seems the least fazed. 

 

He was smartly dressed in a velvet suit, a low V-neck, translucent, white shirt, draped over his now toned body, a white sash attached to the shirt, wrapped like a choker over Ten’s glowing skin. His hair is brushed to a side, all black, with just a hint of a shift of purple. 

 

A wine coloured eyeshadow lines his eyes, with a very eye catching shimmer to give the “pearl” effect. His lips, an ombre, tyrian purple lining the inside of his lips. He looks absolutely stunning, and Taeyong hates the way his heart lurches at the very sight of him. 

 

Those round glasses gleaming under the lights, makes him ten times more attractive, accentuating the sharp chin and beautiful slope of his nose. Taeyong resist the urge to trace his fingertips over them. He internally scold himself at the clicheness of this all. 

  
  


Eventually, the reporters settle down, and the camera flashes, less frequent. Everyone has their macbooks out, recorders stretched to those attractive lips, cameras rolling for the longest time. 

 

Johnny speaks first, giving everyone a winning smile. He was dressed smartly as well, albeit a lot more formal than Ten, with a black suit and neatly tied black tie, a rolex watch on his left hand.  

 

In the charming voice of his, he begins. 

 

“Good afternoon everyone. We are very pleased to see so many of you turn up for this conference. It certainly has been a very long time, and we are sure you have many questions for Ten. But before that, Ten will give a brief summary of these two years, some long overdue explanations, and then after, you may ask your questions. We would appreciate it, if you displayed professionalism, in order for a smooth interview and conference. Thank you.” He places down the mic, and shoots the cameras another smooth smile. Taeyong can practically hear the workers outside the office squealing. He suppresses another urge to roll his eyes. 

  
  


“Good afternoon everyone.” Ten strikes his pretty smile, the one that entices everyone. 

 

“Let me just briefly explain my disappearance. Odd for a vanished person to explain to their disappearance-” The crowd heartily laughs at this and Ten gives them a fond smile, “but please, hear me out. This is the least, I owe everyone.” 

 

“Two years ago, due to some complications, I decided to strike a deal with MUSEic entertainment, who I must say, has been practically begging me to get in their company for ages now. These two years, I have worked under their company, as the Phoenix-” At this, a low, excited murmur runs through the reporters, and outside the office, very overdramatic gasps sound. Ten raises his hand to silence them, before continuing, in that silky voice of his. 

 

“And have produced many tracks that I am very proud of. I would like to thank MUSEic for their kindness in giving me an opportunity I never had--which is to produce my own music.”

 

“I did not want to reveal my identity, and refused to, for very simple reasons. This industry, the global music industry, has strayed far from its origins. Dating, body image, looks, plastic surgery, has overcrowded this industry, and it blurs our very roots: which is to just produce music. It saddened me. It saddened me that it was just about popularity, or looks, or who’s dating who. It saddened me that music is not appreciated for its essence, as it should be. 

 

“So I decided not to provide context to my identity, that people will simply enjoy  _ my voice _ , not because I was Asian, not because I was good looking, not because I was rich, or poor, or had dated another person.”

 

“I haven’t given up on dancing, and in fact, as you all know, have choreographed many dances for the Kpop industry, or for Hollywood stars. It just wasn’t what I wanted to cultivate in the States, where I could get the rare opportunity to make music. 

 

“Why rare, you may ask? Rare, because I was pressured by  _ no one _ . Rare, because I was working  _ for  _ no one. MUSEic, and pretty much a majority of the USA industry, were working for themselves. Not to meet deadlines or so that they could have strategically scheduled comebacks, but because they worked and made music for themselves. This is what the Korean industry lacks. 

 

“And you may think, I go to the States, and now return to merely criticized the local industry? Knetizens are up and raring to go, at this point.” The reporters laugh again, even Doyoung, who had a serious face throughout the entire time, cracks a small smile. 

 

“But because I enjoyed the freedom there, and learnt so much there from my mentors, that I come back, to share this with you. To boost our industry. To be on par with everyone else. To compete with the American market. The Korean industry has every potential to do so, and I come back to share what I’ve learnt, to help us all.” 

 

Clapping sounds from outside the office, and Jaehyun nods his head, saying approvingly, “His public speaking skills have certainly improved a lot.” And Taeyong can’t find a reason to disagree. 

 

“Now, that I have returned, as you all know, I transferred the company to Mr. Kim right here.” Ten gestures at Doyoung, who inclines his head slightly. “It wouldn’t be fair for me to just ask for a share, without working for it. I wasn’t here during the toughest years, and I deeply apologise.” 

 

At this, Ten does a full ninety degree bow, staying low for a couple of minutes. The room remains quiet, the only sounds, the beeping from recording devices, as everyone watches with bated breath, one of the most successful artists of all time, humbly bow in front of thousands. 

 

“Moving forward, I will be working as an artist under GLASS entertainment. We still have many meetings as to how, and when I shall promote, but I can assure you, many collaborations will be on their way.” Ten rises as he says this and winks as the reporters go in an uproar once again, at the sound of ‘collaborations’.

 

Ten sits back into his seat, and Johnny raises his hands to calm the crowd. They eventually quiet down, and he opens the floor for questions. “Please, ask one at a time. Questions may also be directed to Mr. Kim here, who is officially representing his company, and therefore, Ten, as well.” 

 

A reporter raises his hand, and he stands up. 

 

“When you disappeared, everyone was in an uproar. Was it your intention to do that?” 

 

Ten rolls his eyes in a playful manner. “Would anyone want an uproar? The least I wanted was attention, but I didn’t have time to come up with a solid evidence or explanation at that time because everything was too rushed. So no, it was not my intention, and I apologise to my fans, the public, and my family, for causing you to worry.” 

  
  
  


“Have you contacted your family?” 

 

“I contacted my family a few hours the article was released.” 

 

“How about Lee Taeyong and Jung Jaehyun? You were all very close, and they conducted a nationwide search just for you.” 

 

Ten pauses at this, collecting himself. He didn’t expect such a straightforward question. “I haven’t contacted them personally, but for personal, and very good reasons, that the press does not need to know.” He says cooly, a little icy. 

 

“What do you think about their success?” 

 

Ten side eyes Doyoung at this, who picks up the microphone immediately. “We would very much prefer to have this conversation based around  _ Ten _ , and  _ not _ the rest of the industry, thank you very much. If you really want his opinions, please, contact me to get a slot.” 

 

Jaehyun raises his eyebrows at this, looking at Taeyong. Taeyong’s heart speeds up, not even noticing the glance, question swirling in his head. Ten was more and more mysterious and the light smirk he sends the cameras is surely for him and Jaehyun, and Taeyong doesn’t quite know what to make of it. 

 

The questions carry on, and eventually Ten gets bored, tapping his foot impatiently, answering the questions boredly.  _ Yes _ , he will continue to be an instructor.  _ Yes, _ he will release music.  _ Yes, _ for the  _ final _ time, he really  _ is _ the Phoenix, quit asking  _ please _ , sir. 

 

Johnny eventually wraps up the questionnaire, and the reporters disperse, Ten rubbing his forehead, the jetlag hitting him hard. 

 

He’s never going to do this again.

 

\-------

 

“I certainly lost the stamina for this.” 

 

Johnny hums in reply, draping Ten’s coat over his shoulders, gently lifting him up. Doyoung says nothing to the both of them, instructing his crew on what to release, how to edit, how to respond to emails asking for an interview with Ten. 

 

Ten watches Doyoung delegate the duties in a professional manner. His undercut in midnight blue, a similar shaded coat draping over his figure, a turtleneck covering his neck. He knew reaching out to Doyoung first would have been a good idea. They clicked easily, and he knows for sure, that no matter what he does, Doyoung will always be there for him, no matter what. It’s how they worked; from college, till now. 

 

Ten waits for Doyoung, while Johnny answers the million phone calls coming from the US. They fit easily; Johnny settling the businesses overseas, while Doyoung did things locally. It was easier for Ten too, it was one less thing to worry about after all. 

  
  


Doyoung joins him soon enough, flashing a smile. “Well, that’s a wrap.” Ten smiles back weakly. “That, was incredibly tiring. These Korean reporters sure are relentless, huh?” 

 

“Well, you got to get used to it, idiot.” Doyoung taunts as they walk to their van. 

 

Ten hums in reply, laying back in the comfortable seat. Johnny gets into the driver’s seat, and they drive off, towards Ten’s new home. 

 

With money now in abundance, thanks to his record hits and collaborations, as well as the new contracts Johnny and Doyoung had lined up for him, Ten decided very rashly to invest in a house just a little outside Seoul. It was a landed property, disgustingly expensive at 4 million USD, but he could afford it, so it wasn’t a big deal. 

 

The very day they came back to Seoul in his private jet, and drove past the area near Songnisan, Ten already knew he wanted it. It was beautiful, the white sheets covering the tall peaks, the misty fog surrounding it, the intricate and colourful structure that scream historic. Ten had fallen in love with it, and before he knew it, Johnny had secured a deal for him, as per usual. 

  
  


He was skeptical at first, when Mr. Qian placed Johnny’s resume on his desk. He stared at it for at least five minutes, Kun having to snap his fingers in front of his face. He looked up dazed, and he cleared her throat, inclining his head slightly with judgemental eyes. 

 

“Er...right, I, well…” 

 

“He’s the best candidate so far. He has one of the best resumes in the stack. Rumour on the street is that he had a fall out with his father, so he’s looking for jobs right now. He’s trained to protect people like you, of high profile, and has a high level of efficiency, which will certainly meet you requirements.”

 

“Right.” Ten says unsurely, toying with the corner of the paper, his heart palpitating. 

 

“Is something wrong, sir?” Kun asked, concerned. 

 

“He’s someone I know.” 

 

Kun raises his eyebrows. “Well, then if that’s the case, I can-” 

 

“No, wait. Let me...let me think about this.” 

 

“Certainly. You have all the time in the world, sir. Take your time.” He waits patiently at the side, concerned and ever watchful eyes soft as they land on his boss. 

 

He has always had a soft spot for Ten. 

 

He was known in the field as the most cold hearted and efficient secretary. He worked at a scary pace, and one charismatic look in his eyes, everyone was a goner, signing quickly on the dotted line, in which he gave his small, but dazzling and captivating smile of self-satisfaction. 

 

But with Ten, he had worked with him for quite long, and as an elder person, he saw how much he struggled through, and came to love him like a younger brother, even though they were the same age. There was still the formality, but he never pushed him hard, like he did with others. He allowed Ten to take his time, and for that, Ten was eternally grateful. 

  
  
  


Ten taps his fingers against the wood. It would be dangerous to have anyone he knows, working with him, other than Mr. Qian, of course. Information was quick to leak out, and he wasn’t willing to risk his entire career. In addition, the person could tell Taeyong and the rest of them, and he wasn’t ready to reveal his identity and whereabouts just yet. 

 

At the same time, he desperately needed to find a good secretary, since Kun had a promotion and his contract was way longer, about 6 years, and he wasn’t planning on staying here for a long time. He needed someone he could trust and rely on, someone who knew him well enough that he didn’t need to enunciate his every demand and need. Not to mention, that based on his memory, Johnny did display qualities of a good secretary back in the college days. 

 

During project work, he listened well. His shorthand notes were near perfect. He could act professional. He looked handsome in a suit. He had a charming smile. And if pushed and motivated, he could work at the near same efficiency as Kun, given how he was able to finish all his last minute assignments in just a day. Additionally, Johnny was a seemingly safe option, because they had worked out their boundaries previously, so it shouldn’t be too hard. 

 

His only worry, was that the other would fall back into his old habits, and make use of him. But then again, he was stronger now, tougher, more assertive. It was what you had to do to remain at the top of your game. Competitiveness and aggressiveness, with a touch of cold hearted nature seeped into his body as he adapted to the cruel game of the industry. 

  
  


He was sea glass, transparent, but strong. He was unbreakable. So he nods, and Kun leaves. He will give Johnny a shot. He has nothing to lose. 

  
  
  


The interview proceeds well, and Johnny was shocked when he saw Ten seating in the table with ‘The Phoenix’ as he label plate. But he remained calm and collected during the interview. It was only after, that he showed a glimpse of his surprise. 

 

“I thought you  _ died _ .” Johnny says, without much filter. 

 

Kun sends him a sharp glare and he cowers into his seat. Ten laughs at that, tapping reassuringly on Kun’s arm. 

 

“Well, apparently, I remain alive and well.” 

 

“Does your family-”

 

“No.”

“Taeyong-”    
  


“No, he doesn’t either.” Ten says softly, knuckles turning white as they grip onto the armrest of his chair.

 

“Oh.” Johnny has the sense to not push further, and it brings a sense of relief over him. He didn’t like people who pushed too much. Johnny sure had changed and matured a lot since he last saw him about a year and a half ago.

 

“Are you...sure you want me for this job? I mean, we did part on good terms, but…”

 

“You fit the job best.” Ten waves his concerns off. “So long as you don’t cross the boundaries between an artist and secretary, we are good.” 

 

Johnny merely nods. 

 

“But of course, we will see if you are really fit for this job, or not. If you can survive Mr. Qian’s intensive training, you are already amongst the top ten percent.” He throws Johnny a wink and a hearty laugh as Johnny’s fearful eyes meet a smug Kun’s ones. 

 

Johnny picks up things quickly, and in no time, he has the office and operations working like a clockwork, without much help from his mentor. Even Kun was impressed by him, and that spoke a lot. His amazing and undoubted ability to charm investors, just as Kun did, was crucial for Ten’s career, and he began to approve more and more of Johnny. 

 

Soon, the two of them worked like parts of a machine. 

 

Ten didn’t need to say anything, and Johnny would have an Americano prepared for him. Ten didn’t need to type an email, and the week’s schedule and plans were long in his inbox. Ten didn’t need to raise an eyebrow or speak a word, and Johnny would know whether he liked the deal or not, changing the course of events in no time. 

 

It really was different, having someone around who  _ knew _ you. Knew what you needed, what you wanted, when to give. Those long years of dating didn’t go to waste after all.

 

It was a safe partnership, and Johnny never spoke about anything outside of work, besides telling Ten softly that he should eat, or should take a small break, or a gentle reminder that he had a meeting in ten minutes. Ten didn’t mention anything about the past in respect to that, and the two worked in silence and kept a respectable distance, without a hint of awkwardness and with mature professionality. Ten was very grateful, and really, he couldn’t have asked for more. 

  
  
  
  
  


When he decided he was ready to return to Korea, he had made a request that raised the eyebrows of Kun, and earned an exclamation from Johnny.

 

“Why?” 

 

Ten rolls his eyes. “Think about it. The three of them are so close, even if we did tell them not to disclose it to each other, they are bound to. And what would they think of, if they saw your name as my secretary?” 

 

Johnny pauses for a moment, and thinks in mockery, and then rolls his eyes. “Okay. Whatever you say, boss. They will eventually find out I’m your secretary, though.” 

 

“Well yea. _ Eventually, _ being the key term here. Not _ right away _ . It’ll be even harder to earn back their trust if I magically disappeared, and then became close  _ and _ work with the very same person they all wanted to drive away.” It’s harsh words, but a true reality. 

 

Johnny merely nods. 

 

Kun speaks up. “Sir, I doubt they don’t trust you. You….shouldn’t be so worried about it.”

 

“Kun, you  _ don’t know _ . Their bestfriend magically disappears without a word, only to come back seemingly successful, and therefore implying he left them for a better career. For a selfish desire. They will  _ hate _ me. And I just bloody know it.” Ten says closing his eyes, rubbing his temples, a signal that the topic ends there. 

 

But in the last few months, he has seen how much Ten had suffered. Ten thinks Kun doesn’t see the occasional tears, or occasional blank outs. He thinks Kun doesn’t see him scrolling through Taeyong’s SNS, and staring for way too long at the pictures. He thinks Kun doesn’t see him, when he thought he had discreetly marked a day on his calendar; the day of Jisung’s first dance performance, that blew up SNS as he was dubbed “Korea’s Future”.

 

He has seen him suffer through a lot, and he has tried many times, to persuade him to speak up, but he was always faced with adamant refusal, and they drop the subject. 

 

But Ten was leaving soon, without him. This is the least he should do. 

 

“Sir.” 

 

“Mr. Qian, I really don’t-” 

 

“Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul.” He says it with perfect pronunciation, it surprises Ten, and he lifts up his head. 

 

“If you just  _ tell _ them why you moved here, I doubt-” 

 

“I can’t.” He tries to snap back, but it only comes out hopelessly pathetic. 

 

“Yes, you can.” 

 

“No, I can’t. It’ll affect their reputation, possibly destroy their careers, and not to forget the backlash they will face. And I’m 100% sure, Taeyong and Jaehyun will be shattered. They will think it’s not because of their hard work, when it  _ is _ .” Ten says tiredly. 

 

“Wait, what’s this all about?” Johnny asks suddenly, lost in the vague words. Kun sends him a glare that shuts him up immediately. “What’s rule one, Mr. Seo?” 

 

“Listen, and you’ll learn more.” Kun nods in approval. Ten would have been snickering if not for the fact that he felt incredibly lost. 

 

“Yes, it may affect their careers, their salaries, their reputations; but it will salvage your relationship with them, Ten. I doubt they even hate you. They must have been worried, and scared, and they will just be happy you are back.” He claims, assuringly. 

  
  
  
  
  


Well, he is completely wrong, and Ten can’t wait to text him and brag about it. Kun is hardly wrong about anything, and Ten would love to see the raise of his eyebrows as he proves him wrong. 

 

Because the moment he stepped into Taeyong’s apartment, just wanting to drop in since they were dropping Doyoung off, he got screamed at. Complete chaos. Disaster is the word to summarise it.

 

“Wow, look who’s back from the dead.” Taeyong snaps, as soon as he sees the figure looming at the doorway. 

 

“Taeyong, please.” Jaehyun says, coaxing as he rests his hand on Taeyong’s arm. The other shrugs it off with little courtesy, 

 

“He flies off, to across half the fucking globe, and then comes back and wants to be fucking accepted. Well, you know what? That’s not happening. That’s not how forgiveness works. That’s not what happens after you leave your damn family.” Taeyong shouts, voice rising by the decibel. 

 

Ten’s heart is pounding in his chest. The very thing he predicted was happening. Doyoung may not hate him, because he knows. Ten told him. But Taeyong is not Doyoung, and Taeyong absolutely hates him. For all the right reasons. 

 

“Do you have any idea how much time and effort we put in to try to find you? Do you have no heart? Your mother flew all the way to Korea, and then cried so hard, it  _ hurt _ , Ten. You didn’t give a shit about any of us, because you’re so, damn, selfish. You’ve always been. You go around, not caring the least about everyone else. Well,  _ newsflash _ , the world doesn’t revolve around you. No one’s sticking by you now. I, for one, am never going to do that, again.” 

 

“Do you feel happy? Knowing you ruined all of us? Do you know how many fucking times Jisung asks me when you’re going to come back? He thinks you left  _ because _ of him. You made him sad for nearly fucking 5 months. A depressed boy who’s only 7 years old. I hope you’re happy, knowing you fucked all of us.” Taeyong says, nearly out of breath now, fury seeming through his body, vibrating with rage.

 

“Taeyong, stop, for god’s sake. The kids are here.” Doyoung says desperately, standing in between Ten and Taeyong. 

 

Ten says nothing, watching Taeyong quietly. Taeyong wishes he would scream and shout back, and not stay silent. Because it was frustrating and only fueling his anger.

 

Jisung was right at the corner of the hallway, peeking from behind a wall, Donghyuck protectively trying to shield him, but to not much avail as Jisung squirmed out of his grip. 

 

Taeyong takes a deep breath, and starts again. “You know what? It worked. You tried to push me away, and it worked. It hurt so damn badly, but you know what, please fucking leave because I don’t want to see you anymore, I don’t want you to even step into this house ever again. You don’t belong here anymore. Enough is enough, and this is the final straw.” 

 

Ten doesn’t say anything, not moving, not speaking. Taeyong grits his teeth. “I said, get out.” 

 

Everyone waits with bated breath. 

 

Ten refuses to move. 

 

Taeyong is about to scream again, when he is interrupted.

  
  
  


“Ten hyung?” A small voice hiccups. Jisung carefully walks out of the hallway. 

 

He’s grown a lot bigger since the last time Ten remembered him to be. He grew taller, more lanky, and he certainly can’t just carry the boy onto his lap anymore. Ten blinks away the mistiness in his eyes. 

 

“Jisung.” He says softly. 

 

Jisung starts to walk towards Ten, arms reaching out, ready to loop them around Ten’s neck. He misses him so, so much. No one was there on lonely Saturdays. Jaehyun and Doyoung were at work, and somehow or another, Donghyuck is either dragged to the studio by Taeyong, or goes out with his friends. 

 

Jisung was alone a lot, and he missed his Ten hyung badly. He missed “Jisung-and-Ten-hyung” days. He misses going to the pizza place. He misses the early mornings. He misses reading with Ten. He misses dancing in the middle of nowhere. But most of all, he misses Ten’s smile, a smile so infectious, that it would make his dad smile too. His dad hardly smiles ever since Ten left. He wishes his dad will be more happy. 

 

He doesn’t understand why his dad is screaming. He just wants everything to go back into place. He wants Ten to come back. And now he has. Everything will be alright again. 

  
  


But he is roughly pulled back, and there’s screaming and shouting, curses and and more screaming, before the door slams and there is only silence. He is staring at the empty doorway, and pain fills his heart and he cries. He sobs, and chants, “Ten hyung, Ten hyung, Tennie hyung”. He just wants Ten. What’s so difficult about that? 

 

No amount of Taeyong’s comforting, or Donghyuck’s coaxing or Jaehyun’s soft words can console the boy. He cries and fusses and screams. He demands, but Taeyong’s jaw is set, and for the first time, he feels the emotion of bitterness. 

 

And for the first time, he slams the door shut.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi yall!! im sorry for the long hiatus 
> 
> to tell you the truth, i've lost some zeal for this.....im out of touch with this universe,,,,but we'll see!! i've pre-written till chapter 16 so maybe i'll think about it later on. im so sorry, and i knw many of you have showered love on this fic and it's irresponsible for me to leave yall hanging dry,,,,,but im running out of ideas of how to continue this.....:(

“Ten, he didn’t mean it.” 

 

“Of course he didn’t.” Ten snaps back sarcastically. 

 

Johnny opens the automated sliding doors for them, and one look at both their faces and he already knows. 

 

“It didn’t go as per planned?” Johnny asks, meaninglessly. Ten gives a short, bitter laugh. “Bold of you to think it would have gone  _ my _ way.”

 

Doyoung gives an irritated sigh. “Ten, he didn’t mean it. I swear, he’s just confused, okay? Sometimes he misses you badly, sometimes he wants to fling you out of the window-”   
  


“Well, if he really missed me, he would  _ forget  _ about flinging me out of the window because I’m finally back.” Ten says childishly, crossing his arms, biting his lips. 

 

“Kun was wrong, and I was right. He _ hates _ me.” His throat starts closing up. 

 

“He hates me.” He says it softly now, misty eyes. 

 

“He hates me. And for all the right reasons.” And that is exactly when the floodgates open, hot tears streaming down his cheeks as he ugly cries all the way home, eyes puffy and red, foundation streaked, nose running. Doyoung cradles his head, allowing the tears to soak his shirt, sharing worried glances with Johnny through the rear view mirror. 

 

But the time they reach Ten’s house, the other had already stopped crying, mere sniffles, eyes drooping. Doyoung half carries, half drags him to the house, unceremoniously dropping him on the couch as he just stands there. 

  
  
  


The house was as charismatic as Ten, to say the least. 

 

It is beautiful. Intricate architecture and details crept up the walls, in which there were few on the left side, as most of the left wing of the house was covered in long, glass panes. It was a smart decision, as the reddish purple sun rays soaked the room. 

 

The high ceiling was shaped as a dome, with paintings so colourful, Doyoung could stare at them forever, if not for the persistent neck pain. There was a landing, halfway between the floor and the ceiling, leading to the rooms. 

 

Shelves of books lined the right end of the house; there was even a ladder to climb to the top shelves. He runs his fingers over the spines with gold letterings and creamy pages. He wonders if Ten would mind him just spending a day here to read  _ everything. _

 

A large TV set in the middle of the living room. It was surrounded by white; white floors, white rugs, white couch. 

  
  


Speaking of which, Ten was sniffling as he accepted a cup of warm water from Johnny, gulping with those lost, puppy eyes. Johnny sighs as he takes a seat next to Ten, draping one of the spare blankets that he snatched from the room he was temporarily living in. 

 

Ten had graciously invited him to stay with him until he gets his own apartment, but by the looks of it, Johnny would very much like to stay with Ten. Imagine Ten being all alone in this huge house, sobbing his heart out; Johnny can already feel his heart breaking. 

 

The line between him and Ten was drawn very clear; and Suhyun had already warned him many times over. So, he simply seats himself on the carpeted floor,  takes out his pair of glasses, opens his macbook that is set on the coffee table, and starts to type, humming a soft tune. 

 

Doyoung takes a seat next to Ten, running his fingers through Ten’s hair, not speaking anything. The other stares into blank space, his heart emotionally drained, and he doesn’t want to do anything, but snuggle under his blankets and take a long nap, which he can’t, because there was still so much to do. 

 

Before he drags himself out to his work room, he pulls out his phone, snuggling against Doyoung, who is furiously messaging, hands still combing through Ten’s hair. 

  
  


“Kun.” He says softly, as soon as he picks up. 

 

“Ten? What’s wrong, sir?” He says a little frantically, and Ten almost laughs. 

 

“You’re wrong.” 

 

“What?” He can almost see him narrowing his eyes. It’s a wonder, what four years can do to people. He knew more of him, then he ever did, in the past years at TEN&co. 

 

“You’re wrong. They hate me.” Doyoung raises his eyebrows, nudging him. 

 

“I mean,  _ Taeyong _ hates me. He hates me to the guts. He hates me.” Ten repeats, and just when he thought he finished crying, a fresh batch of tears flows down his cheeks. The typing stops, and Johnny turns, watching him carefully. Doyoung pulls him closer, rubbing his arms soothingly. 

 

“And it’s not fair, I….I didn’t do anything wrong, did I? But then, whenever I think that, I just sound like an asshole, because I did-”

 

“No, you didn’t, Ten. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Kun’s voice crackles through the phone. 

 

“It’s not fair.” Ten repeats, not knowing what to say, just feeling like the world has turned against him.  _ His _ world, had turned his back at him. It hurts, a twisting dagger in his flesh. 

 

“No, it’s not. Which is why I said, let’s just tell them. Ten, it’s not hard. I don’t care if it hurts their career-” 

 

“But I care.” 

 

Kun makes an exasperated noise. “I just want you to be  _ happy _ , Ten. You deserve it.” Ten sniffles as he feel his heart ache. “I can’t do it.” 

 

He murmurs, “This is exactly why I said I should have gone back with you.” 

 

A silence stretches between the two of them, and Ten just relishes in listening to him and his colleagues talking in the background, typing sounds; Kun just being there for him. He was the only family he had in the States, and after two years of literally sticking next to him like a lost puppy, it was a little hard not to have his gravitating presence always there to comfort him. 

 

“Where’s Johnny Seo?” 

 

Ten presses the speaker icon, and his voice projects. “Mr. Seo?” 

 

Johnny immediately straightens up his back, and Ten snickers, wiping away the remaining tears on his cheeks. 

 

“What did I say about protecting Mr. Ten?” 

 

Johnny furrows his brows. “Hey, but if I don’t know  _ half _ a clue of what is going around-” 

 

“Exactly my point.  _ Ten. _ ” 

 

Ten closes his eyes in an attempt to avoid him. 

 

“ _ Ten. _ ” 

 

“Okay, okay. But  _ you _ tell him.” 

 

Kun makes a non-committal noise. 

 

Ten rolls his eyes. “Please?” 

 

A sound of approval, and he begins recounting, what he has wanted to say for so long. What he has always wanted to tell the world but couldn’t, because he respected Ten for his decisions. A secret that he cannot help but feel pain for Ten, when he understands the implications that come with it. 

  
  
  


_ Ten arrives at the office, in his best suit, leather shoes clicking against the clean floors. He enters his office, pushing past the maghony doors, and heads straight to the bookshelf.  _

 

_ “Sir, I don’t think you have any appointments-” He starts to point out. Ten waves him off. “Today is an emergency. Something important. I must have a word with the Hawthorne.”  _

 

_ He nods as he quickly types information to their correspondent. No questions asked. That’s how things work. Ten pulls out a black book, and the bookshelf clicks open. He places the book back, at a 45 degree angle, and the door slides open, revealing an all black small studio.  _

 

_ Complete with a black sofa, the high windows show off the small buildings next to his company, TEN&co, and the beautiful skyline of Seoul. He seats himself comfortably. Looking straight into his eyes through an elaborate, but simple mirror, and straightens his velvet tie, before presses his lips together.  _

 

_ Kun can see all these, tracking his every move as he puts in his earpiece, the small camera at the edge of the room connecting him with Ten. It was to ensure his safety, and so that he doesn’t miss out on any important details during meetings.  _

 

_ He presses a button, the screen before him lighting to life.  _

 

_ He is immediately connected with their American correspondent, who beams back at him. “Sir.” The counterpart raises his eyebrows in surprise, before finally relaxing them.  _

 

_ “You’ve never contacted us before.” Ten smiles a little, raising his champagne glass that was already prepared for him. “Well, today is your lucky day, Hawthorne.”  _

  
  


_ “I have been waiting for this day for ages, sir. Finally given in?” _

 

_ Ten gives a short laugh. “Perhaps. But of course, at a certain price.” _

 

_ The American laughs, leaning back against his leather chair.  _

 

_ “As always, as cunning as ever. You are our most wanted people in this industry; a rare phoenix is indeed the word to describe you; hard to find, even harder to catch.” _

 

_ “So, of course, if you reached out to us, you would have wanted something in return. And you just know that we would give it to you, don’t you? We want you, no matter the cost.  _

 

_ So, what’s the price you propose, sir?” _

 

_ Ten smiles at this. Kun doesn’t like where this is going, but stay silent.  _

 

_ “Lee Taeyong. Give Lee Taeyong the deal he deserves, and I will fly tomorrow, if you accept this deal.” _

 

_ The American frowns. “Lee Taeyong?” He types something into his computer, before smiling, with a slight wince. “Heard he is a terrible fellow. Violent, that one.”  _

 

_ Ten waves, sipping casually from his glass. “We all have bad days, especially us in the music industry. We’re more…. emotional, you know? If you give him a second chance, I guarantee you he will deliver as he promises. He is very good.”  _

 

_ Eyebrows are raised across the screen, in contemplation.  _

 

_ “Please, Hawthorne. Do this for me, and I will fly tomorrow. I promise. But you, of course, must keep to the deal, and must secure it.” _

 

_ The blonde just scratches his head. “I don’t know man. When Apple cancels a deal off, they  _ really _ cancel it off. But let me just check. Perhaps a mention of your name will do the trick.” _

 

_ The man disappears off camera for a while, and Ten bites his lips, his fidgeting hands under the table. He was clearly nervous, and Kun was nervous along with him. He has no idea where this was going. He knows who Lee Taeyong is, Ten had worked with him before and they were close. They lived together after all.  _

 

_ But Ten exchanging his career in Korea for a deal for Lee Taeyong? He never knew they were that close, for such a sacrifice. _

  
  


_ It takes another 5 minutes, before the familiar face appears on the screen. He winks, and Ten lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.  _ __   
  


_ “Got you a deal. Now, when do you want your flight planned?” _

 

_ Ten laughs, and stands up, bowing a little. “Check with my secretary, Hawthorne. Thank you very much.” Kun rolls his eyes at this.  _

 

_ “Oh, the pleasure is mine. Anything to get the gem we always wanted.” And with that, the screen clicks black.  _

 

_ Ten loosens his tie as he walks towards the vast windows. He stares at the thousands of cars below, in the bustling city, people briskly walking past, the hawker across the street watching the people go by as hot tteoboki steams from her stall.  _

 

_ He gives off a huge sigh, like lifting a weight of his chest. His eyebrows furrow, and his eyes set.  _

 

_ He leaves the room with a bitter smile.  _

  
  
  
  


“Was it really that dramatic?” 

 

“Well, you really looked like you just threw everything away, which in fact, you did.”

 

Ten keeps quiet, because what he said was true.

  
  


“Wait, so what you’re telling me,” Johnny says with wide eyes, “is that you threw away your Korean company, gave up your career here, started afresh in a whole new arena,  _ just  _ so you could give Lee Taeyong a deal?”

 

Ten frowns and crosses his arms. “It isn’t that bad.” 

 

Johnny rolls his eyes. 

 

“I tried giving him back the company once I knew of this, but he wouldn’t take it.” Doyoung says exasperatingly, speaking specifically to Kun. 

 

“You know him. Pride and stubbornness, he would want to work to get it.” Kun replies easily. He knows how Ten is. 

 

“And you don’t want to tell them…?” Johnny asks, looking at Ten expectantly, ignoring Kun and Doyoung. 

 

“Because knowing how Taeyong is, he would refuse the deal, throw everything away, because he thinks its not his work, _ his _ hard work. He wants to earn it. But he did work hard and he did earn it. It was my fault that the deal was cancelled.” Ten explains, voice getting smaller and smaller. 

 

Johnny sighs, rubbing his temples. “Could things get any more complicated?” 

 

Doyoung shrugs, as if to casually point out that it was already complicated beyond belief, with feelings and bonds thrown into the mix. Not to mention that his boyfriend’s pride is also on the line here. He has been keeping this from Jaehyun, and he hates that there is a barrier between the two of them. But for the sake of Ten, he keeps quiet about the whole affair. 

  
  


Doyoung leaves an hour later, pointedly telling Johnny to keep an eye out for Ten, both of them speaking in hushed tones at the doorway while Ten goes to his study room to clear more documents. The paperwork keeps piling up, with contracts, old and new, and the fact that he is switching markets, a lot of legal things in the older contracts with the Americans require adjustments. 

 

Kun often advised to let Johnny do these things, and Ten can just concentrate on making music and creating choreography. But Ten always wanted to do it himself. He would rather look through each line, understand the requirements and the trade-offs, before signing on the dotted line. He wanted to be involved, and not just leave the foundation of his career to someone else. He was thorough and self-made, in that sense. 

 

Johnny calls in half past midnight, reminding him quietly that he should go to sleep. Ten says nothing, merely scribbling more words onto paper. Johnny sighs. Ten isn’t so easy going anymore. 

  
  
  
  
  


The next morning, the man is in a fresh, crisp, translucent, white shirt, black ripped jeans, a fanciful belt, and earrings adorning his ears. His makeup is done beautifully and professionally, and despite having only a couple hours of sleep, he looks fresher and more ready for the day than the droopy eyed Johnny. 

  
  


They reach the company, in which Ten is squished by his many students and colleagues alike, he smiles wide, but inside, his heart is still wounded by the welcome that was the very opposite of this, last night. 

 

Doyoung smiles wider than ever, quickly showing him the changes to the building. Ten almost tears up; everything has changed so much. The small, crusty building they had, was now massive, with at least three floor, each classroom double the size of their previous ones, and even then, Doyoung proudly points out how crowded it is. 

 

They have grown from 50 trainees, to 150; having trained not just idols, but backup dancers and choreographers, who would later become the backbone of this industry. They rented out the first floor to idol groups who didn’t have practice rooms. The second floor was for the dance academy Doyoung previously co-ran with Ten, and the third floor was for professionally choreographers, to have meetings and the what not, a more office like atmosphere. 

 

Ten smiles as he watches Doyoung ramble about the company; this was his hardwork and his treasure after all; he struggled under the weight of the responsibilities he once shared with Ten. But now, he breezily signs documents, giving out instructions as he shows Ten the entire building, not the least fazed by the bustling and hustle of the company. It is the usual. 

 

Ten feels a twinge in his heart, acutely aware, that he had missed out on all this. 

  
  


Doyoung shows him his office, “Our office,” he points out, though Ten frowns and tells him again, that he will not co-run the company. Doyoung just rolls his eyes. 

 

It was not big per say, spacious yes, but cozy enough that it screamed Doyoung: with a coffee machine in the corner, some plants that he was rearing, a painting on one of the walls, many, many polaroids of Jaehyun and him, Taeyong, Jisung, Donghyuck, and of course, one shot of Ten that he had managed to grab on, before the other disappeared. 

 

Ten traces his fingers over the photographs, heart clenching as he watches them grow in the photos. 

 

Doyoung pauses his talking, and wraps his arms around Ten as a single tear is shed. 

  
  
  


“I’m sorry.” Ten says for the nth time. 

 

“I know.” Doyoung replies, as per usual. 

 

But Ten doubts Doyoung really understands, the grief and guilt that settles in his heart. It suffocates him. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Things seemed to have calmed down for Ten, but it is not until after lunch, does tsunami of waves after waves of emotions threaten to drown him again. 

He sees Lee Donghyuck, playing on his phone, lazying around just outside a dance room, waiting for the previous batch to clear out so that he can go in to practice. The boy was his favourite, and probably still is, though he will have to see. 

 

Ten stays at the back of the room, eyes carefully watching the forms of the dancers, noting which one were doing well. Donghyuck has certainly grown well; although not much taller, his body was filled well, his body lean, muscles contracting as he moved according to the music. The way the boy moved is not sharp, but with a certain grace that Ten appreciates. 

 

He silently offers a water bottle to Donghyuck, who merely raises his eyebrows as he accepts it, and Ten lets out a breath he doesn’t even know he is holding. 

  
  
  


“So.” Ten begins, as they seat themselves in the cafe located at the lobby. It seems, that Doyoung is a real businessman; certainly knowing how to milk every single cent from this building. 

 

“So.” Donghyuck says, as he puts down his phone, locking eyes with Ten. 

 

“How have you been?” 

 

“You would have known if you were around.” Donghyuck’s sharp responses are as cutting and fast as ever. The boy never lost this sarcastic, bold side of him. Often taken as rude, but Ten would like to see it as being fearless, confident, unwavering, constant. He doesn’t mind, but still, he would remind Donghyuck to never cross certain lines. 

 

“I really am sorry, Hyuck. I….it’s a long story, though it doesn’t excuse the fact that I should have told you-” 

 

“And Uncle Taeyong, Uncle Jaehyun, Uncle Doyoung,  _ and _ Jisung.” Donghyuck chirpily adds on, knowing just how to step on a nerve. 

 

Ten sighs, sipping his Americano. “Right.” 

  
  


“I don’t really mind, honestly. As in, you should have told me, but the past’s the past, we should all get over it, you know?” In the easy going mind of the teenager, things were that simple. And perhaps that is what it should be, simple and easy, let bygones be bygones. 

 

“I just kind of wished you were around to help me. The other uncles are always so busy with work, no one is around to play with me or Jisung. Especially on Saturdays, god, Jisung is like a little devil.” Donghyuck adds on, sipping his latter. Ten hums in reply, letting the younger rant on. 

 

“It’s been fun though. I learn a lot from Mr. Moon, a trainer at Uncle Taeyong’s company. He’s a little old, and tries to be cool when he can’t be, but overall, a nice teacher.” 

 

“Jisung grew up a lot too. Did you know he won a couple of competitions? But boy, is his temper bad. When you weren’t around for those first few weeks, he wouldn’t stop crying, and I had to take care of him, because the uncles were all so busy.” Ten bites his lips and let the bitter coffee sink his rising guilt. He hates that he didn’t think for anyone, but himself, in the mere excuse and guise that this was all for Taeyong. But was it really? At the cost of his three best friends and his favourite children in the entire world?

 

“Thank the heavens, Taeyong managed to call your mum and she flew in. She calms Jisung down so well, a wonder.” Donghyuck says as he shakes his head, remembering the nights he couldn’t fall asleep, busying counting sheep or singing for Jisung. 

 

“My mum?” Ten can’t help but intervene, and ask this. He hasn’t spoken to his family during those four years; it was against the policy and far too risky. He simply kept quiet, and although they did try to reach for him, evidently, he never did reply them. Radio silence with family members is always painful, and he thinks of his kind, gentle, loving mother, and his heart aches. 

 

“Yea. Uncle Taeyong still calls her frequently. I don’t know about now, that  _ you _ are back, but yea.” Donghyuck confirms, and it just drives the thorn deeper into Ten’s tender flesh. Of course Taeyong would do that. He loves Ten’s family more than Ten himself. 

  
  


“Is Jisung okay?” Ten asks softly, swirling the contents of his Americano, quite unable to meet the eyes of Donghyuck’s. 

 

The other shrugs. “He locked himself in the room for hours; Uncle Taeyong was worried  _ sick. _ Now, he’s just being a sulky brat, and Uncle Taeyong is nearly losing it.” Donghyuck replies, sipping the last few drops of his coffee. 

 

“Nice talking to you Ten. I got to go, Uncle Taeyong’s going to fetch me from the bus stop-” 

 

“Let me go with you.” Ten cuts him off, already standing up. Donghyuck raises his eyebrows and tilts his head, but relents. “Okay, but don’t….fight on the streets. It’s embarrassing.” 

 

“Yea, yea, point taken, kid.” Ten says, ruffling Donghyuck’s hair as he laughs, the other skipping next to him as they walk to the bus stop. 

 

Something in his gut pulls him back to the building, where Johnny would be waiting to fetch him; but his heart pulls him towards the bus stop. Somethings have to be made right; and it is now or never. 

 

Donghyuck swings his legs on the seat as he continues to chat on, rambling on about schoolwork, friends, the dance company, his vocal trainings; and Ten finds comfort in listening to the honey voice run through the air as he watches the sky darken and the cars rush by, the city lights coming to life. 

 

“There he is. See you, Ten!” Despite Ten being ages older than Donghyuck, he insisted the other call him Ten, instead of uncle; it just seemed odd, and out of place, like a barrier between them.

 

He stands as he watches Donghyuck climb into a sleek black car, hands in his pockets as he sees a glimpse of Taeyong’s jaw, Jisung’s adorable eyes, and Jaehyun’s good natured smile. He realises how this is their usual, everyday routine; and he, just a simple passer-by, watching all this pass before him, like watching a movie through a screen. A part of it, and yet not entirely immersed in it. He is half in, half out; a part of the past and yet not a fragment of the present. 

 

He sees Taeyong’s jaw clench, and Jaehyun hesitate, but a tap on his shoulder, and he knows he does not need to have a dilemma anymore. He turns, and follows Johnny towards their car, forcing himself to not turn around, and watch the black car slip in with the other vehicles, finding their way back home. 


	15. recherché

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i might put this on hiatus :(((( im really sorry and im really am v thankful for everyone who has stayed and read on so far :(( ilyall and hopefully, see you soon(?)

“Look, give him a chance.” Doyoung is practically pleading now, Taeyong completely given up on consuming anymore food, chopsticks left on the bowl, untouched. Jaehyun simply watches the two. As much as he loves Doyoung, his heart also has a place for Taeyong, and he’s stuck between the two right now. In such a case, it is always better to be quiet. 

 

“I really hate how you are always on his side. He just came back for only a week, and you’re already taking his side of things.” Taeyong shoots back, crossing his arms. 

 

“I’m not on  _ anyone’s _ side, Taeyong. We’re supposed to be family-” 

 

“Until he left.” Taeyong cuts him off, bitterly. 

 

“He had no choice.” Doyoung says through gritted teeth. He wishes the truth could spill right here, right now, but for the  _ sake of Ten _ , he will not. He loves Ten as much as he loves Taeyong and Jaehyun; he would not betray his friend’s trust, and he believes that Ten will eventually explain himself, in his own time. He’s not going to push it. 

 

“He had every choice to stay put in Korea, instead of being bloody selfish and moving to the States; and leaving us all in the dark.” Taeyong points out, his jaw clenching in controlled anger. 

  
  


“Are you happy that Jisung is like this?” Doyoung says harshly, though his voice slightly lowered. 

 

Taeyong glares at Doyoung, but stays quiet. Of course he is not happy, but he isn’t going to say so. 

 

“Exactly, just what I thought. So please, Taeyong, just let me, take you and Jaehyun out, and let Ten come over and pacify Jisung. Please.” Doyoung pleads softly, voice gentler now. He knows, Taeyong’s heart is a mess of confusion, his heart tugging in two completely different directions: one, to do as Doyoung says and let Ten come over and two, to continue to be petty and stay angry with Ten, preventing Jisung and Ten from meeting up. The latter will, however, only cause distress to everyone. 

 

Rubbing his temples, he hisses under his breath. “ _ Fine.  _ But please, don’t make me the third wheel.” 

  
  
  
  
  


Ten comes over, positively vibrating with excitement and nervousness. He hasn’t seen the child in four years, he wonders how much he has grown. Kids these days, he muses, as he stares at the passing city, grow way too fast. He of course, saw Jisung on youtube, trending in the phenomenal video as he danced way too accurately and advanced for his age. He smiles slightly. How fast time has passed! The boy who could barely wobble on his two feet, was now flashing moves Ten himself, found slightly difficult to master. 

 

He thanks Johnny, who in return, gives him an assuring nod. Walking up the steps to the lift lobby, he marvels at how much has changed. The building has undergone a new coat of paint, now a rich dark green, instead of the previous classy black. 

  
  


He presses on the doorbell and breathes in deeply. For a moment of panic, as the door opens and Jisung looks up at him bewildered, he worries that Jisung hates him, as much as his father does. But all that is dissipated, as Jisung squeals in delight, and jumps into his arms; Ten’s heart swelling with emotion as tears collect at the corner of his eyes.  

 

He is not the only one. Jisung is practically drenching his shirt as he sobs happily into Ten’s neck, arms wrapped tightly around him, legs snuggled around Ten’s hips, clinging onto him like a koala. Ten has quite a hard time managing between bringing in the gifts he bought, and carrying Jisung, but he doesn’t mind. He misses  _ this _ ; the warmth, the love, the pure, open affection that only Jisung could give him.  _ His _ Jisung. His  _ baby. _

  
  
  


Tears wiped, Jisung immediately starts rummaging the bags whilst sniffling, not the least caring for the quality of the items, tossing them out as he places them on the floor. Ten had thought of the one thing that Jisung loved most, other than dance: baking. On Saturdays when Taeyong was out and it was just the two of them, they would sometimes get tired of dancing and playing around, settling instead into baking: Ten and Jisung working together, laughing as flour coated them. 

 

Jisung’s eyes light up at the sight of the materials, immediately mumbling something about brownies and cookies and  _ oh, cheesecake! _ As he looks at Ten with expectation, and Ten gives him a warm smile, ruffling his hair, running the fingers through the locks he ached to comb through during the particularly hard periods of time in the States. 

 

He watches Jisung continue to ramble on about nonsensical stuff, school, this Chinese boy in his class that is really cute, how his teacher praised him, how well he did in dance lessons; and an overwhelming sense of regret and longing fills Ten’s heart. It is not until the entire apartment is silent, does he realise the wet droplets sliding down his porcelain face, and the sorrowful look Jisung gives him. 

  
  
  


Jisung lurches into his arms, burying his face in Ten’s neck, comically stroking the tiny hairs at the end of the elder’s locks, trying to calm him down in the same way Ten had done for him so many times. Ten laughs, kissing the top of Jisung’s head. 

 

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, misty eyes locking with Jisung’s round, innocent ones. 

 

Jisung furrows his eyebrows. “Why are you sorry?” 

 

“Didn’t you feel sad or betrayed when I left on that day?” Ten asks, softly as Jisung adjusts himself on Ten’s lap, sitting more comfortably. 

 

“I felt sad. I didn’t feel betrayed; why would I?” Jisung’s tone of complete curiosity and bewilderment just stabs a dagger in Ten’s heart. 

 

“Because I left without telling you.” Ten explains, gently. 

 

“Oh, it’s okay.” Jisung says, waving his hands. “Your mama, I call her Popo, said that you had something to do, and you were too busy to tell me. It’s okay. You’re back here anyway, like she said you would. Did you finish what you had to do?” Jisung asks, innocent. Ten’s heart clenches at the mention of his mother;  _ the things she did for him. _

 

And he, he so selfishly left without a word, and she, cleaning up after his mess, as always. He breathes in deep, closing his eyes as he collects his emotions, before opening them and stroking Jisung’s face, smiling forcefully. 

 

“Yes. Yes, I did.” 

  
  
  


“I think my dad should be the one saying sorry.” Jisung says, pouting as he crosses his arms. 

 

“It’s normal for your dad to react in the way he did, Jisung.” Ten soothes, picking out some dirt on the younger’s shirt. 

 

Jisung wriggles out of his touch, clearly annoyed and angry. “He shouted at you. He was being  _ mean. _ ” 

 

Ten sighs as he runs his fingers through Jisung’s messy hair. “Don’t say that about your father, please, Jisung. I ruined a lot of things; I cannot ruin your relationship with your father too. He loves you a lot, you know that right? He does everything for your good, Jisung-” 

 

“Keeping me away from you is  _ not _ for my good.” Jisung cuts in stubbornly. Ten frowns, firm hands on Jisung’s shoulders. 

 

“Jisung. Don’t say that. Your father loves you a lot, and okay, maybe he makes some mistakes, but he really does everything for you. He loves you, and I want you to remember that. Don’t let me ruin that special bond, okay?” 

 

Jisung just scoffs, and his brows knit tighter together. “He doesn’t love me. Ever since you left, he didn’t even play with me. He didn’t read books to me. He didn’t dance with me like you did. He didn’t bring me to the pizza place we always go to. He even left me at home,  _ all by myself, _ on Saturdays. I  _ hate _ him.” Pent up frustrations boil and foam as Jisung spills the words. 

 

“Jisungie, your father was busy. He had a major deal. _ I  _ am at fault. If I was around, I could take care of you. You look at Uncle Jaehyun and Uncle Doyoung; they are very busy right? They couldn’t come to take care of you. And anyway, your dad called Donghyuck to live with you, to take care of you. He thought for you, Jisung. 

 

“Try to think if you were your father, and the person you trusted very much just left without a word. Would you be happy?” He questions, eyebrows raised. The knot between the eyebrows has eased, and Jisung thoughtfully thinks, before grudgingly nodding his head. “I guess.” 

 

Ten hums as he continues to lace his fingers with Jisung’s locks. “Promise me you won’t hate your father? Tell him you love him. For me?” Ten offers, looking deep into Jisung’s eyes. Jisung sticks out his pinky and Ten laughs as he hooks his with the younger’s. 

 

“Promise.” 

  
  
  
  
  
  


“Hi dad, hi Uncle Jaehyun, hi Uncle Doyoung!” Jisung screeches as he comes running to them, giggling hysterically. His hair and face is coated with white flakes of flour, eyes shining so brightly, they defined the pure meaning of happiness. He hugs each of them very briefly, before running back to the kitchen, where Ten is just placing the pan into the oven. 

 

Doyoung watches Taeyong’s face, a whirl of emotions. He guesses the elder can’t decide: to be angry or happy, that in just a mere 6 hours, Ten could magically ease the tension between father and son. 

 

Ten emerges from the kitchen, flashing his charming smile as he inclines his head slightly to greet them. He expects the tension to be obvious and the atmosphere cold and distant, but the two little ones, sitting in front of the oven, watching the batter rise in the hot cavern, exclamations of delight falling from their lips, override the tensions. 

 

Ten turns his back as he goes to the counter, casually asking if they wanted any drinks, in which they did, and he makes for them coffee, while some soft song plays in the background; the four adults sitting themselves on the table, sharing hot caffeine whilst they caught up on the lost time; the children enjoying the engulfing warmth from the oven; snowflakes floating down gently outside. 

 

A rare sight of joy and family indeed. 

**Author's Note:**

> scream at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/tenecty) about how good Taeyong looks in Naver/Dispatch (i can't remember which one, I just know he looks like a greek god and I SWEAR, I didn't want to betray Ten like this but hE IS TOO BEAUTIFUL TO IGNORE)


End file.
